Greetings.
I don't know if I am going to be writing on this blog again. I... feel it is futile. As cathartic as this is, I need something more stable. And maybe someday I will write on this again. But... I need to leave. I need... closure.
My emotional distress is not new, but this one is... one of the most distressing things I have had to deal with in my entire life. I don't want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to talk to people sometimes. But I do both of those things because I have to.
Joseph is in love with someone else and has been for a LONG time. I have no chance against her. She is kind, smart, beautiful... everything any sensible human being would want. I have no shot whatsoever. And I truly do wish I had never met him. Because since he told me, he has been avoiding me. I went to rehearsal for a new show my troupe is doing and he didn't even say hi to me. He walked up to a friend of ours who was standing next to me and just started talking to him, pretty much ignoring me. He didn't speak to me until he absolutely had to and I don't even remember why.
I am losing my best friend. This is just what I had feared. They're all gone. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I haven't seen Bennie in weeks. I have lost all contact with Joss. Joseph...
I still email Ally every day and I see Claire all the time. But... I love them. They are precious to me. And now they're leaving me. I HATE GOODBYES! I never wanted them to leave! I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
Goodbye, Internet. I'll miss you. Possibly for a while.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Close
Greetings.
I have been going to church consistently for almost a year now. I have become a fixture there (it's a small church) especially with the kids, whom I adore.I love spending quality time with Joseph and I like having fun with Petrie. Nana and I talk more and I am getting to know more people.
However there is one thing that bothers me. People - not necessarily at church but who have known me for a while - ask me, "Hey, HM, do you feel closer to God now?" And I don't know how to answer them simply or aloud. I figured since I am a little more articulate in writing I'd try and tackle it here. Here goes nothing.
Do I feel closer to God? The answer is... I don't know. I am certainly closer than I was a while ago, especially during middle school. I cut off my faith in God completely then. I stopped praying, stopped believing that anyone, even the God I put so much stock in before, cared about me and what happened to me. I reasoned he wasn't there for me at all. I wasn't atheist, I don't think. I thought he was still there, but I just didn't want anything to do with someone or something that didn't care about me.
High school... was complicated. God didn't play as much of a role there. I went to public school now. No mandatory chapel services every Thursday, no uniforms, no Bible classes. I had time in eighth grade to adjust - I had no clue how to dress; I mean, I wore bright pink bell bottoms with multi-colored flowers and a pink horizontally-striped shirt on my first day of school at Eileen Herald Memorial Junior High - but high school was just kind of blank in the God department.
Then Ginger came last year. Even though she has more of a... reputation than I do, she is a devout Christian and we had to find a church we could go to while she was visiting. We chose Grammy's because she had said before that it was small and Joseph went there. Ginger wanted to meet Joseph and I wanted to hang out with him.
Yes, I went back to church because of a guy. I am so evil.
But over time I got to enjoy it. I worked in Sunday school in the morning and went to youth service after Sunday school. A couple of times Joseph joined me in Sunday school and he always plays bass for the youth service.
Bottom line: I am closer to God, but not as close as I was when I was little. I miss that. But I still have doubts and fears. Like, I am afraid of the Rapture and death. But I stick up for creationism every chance I get. ;)
Hugz and Prayerz
HM
I have been going to church consistently for almost a year now. I have become a fixture there (it's a small church) especially with the kids, whom I adore.I love spending quality time with Joseph and I like having fun with Petrie. Nana and I talk more and I am getting to know more people.
However there is one thing that bothers me. People - not necessarily at church but who have known me for a while - ask me, "Hey, HM, do you feel closer to God now?" And I don't know how to answer them simply or aloud. I figured since I am a little more articulate in writing I'd try and tackle it here. Here goes nothing.
Do I feel closer to God? The answer is... I don't know. I am certainly closer than I was a while ago, especially during middle school. I cut off my faith in God completely then. I stopped praying, stopped believing that anyone, even the God I put so much stock in before, cared about me and what happened to me. I reasoned he wasn't there for me at all. I wasn't atheist, I don't think. I thought he was still there, but I just didn't want anything to do with someone or something that didn't care about me.
High school... was complicated. God didn't play as much of a role there. I went to public school now. No mandatory chapel services every Thursday, no uniforms, no Bible classes. I had time in eighth grade to adjust - I had no clue how to dress; I mean, I wore bright pink bell bottoms with multi-colored flowers and a pink horizontally-striped shirt on my first day of school at Eileen Herald Memorial Junior High - but high school was just kind of blank in the God department.
Then Ginger came last year. Even though she has more of a... reputation than I do, she is a devout Christian and we had to find a church we could go to while she was visiting. We chose Grammy's because she had said before that it was small and Joseph went there. Ginger wanted to meet Joseph and I wanted to hang out with him.
Yes, I went back to church because of a guy. I am so evil.
But over time I got to enjoy it. I worked in Sunday school in the morning and went to youth service after Sunday school. A couple of times Joseph joined me in Sunday school and he always plays bass for the youth service.
Bottom line: I am closer to God, but not as close as I was when I was little. I miss that. But I still have doubts and fears. Like, I am afraid of the Rapture and death. But I stick up for creationism every chance I get. ;)
Hugz and Prayerz
HM
Monday, April 11, 2011
Pretty Okay
Greetings.
Yesterday was pretty cool. I went to church and hung out with the babies, my little two- and three-year-olds. Alison and Fritz were so precious. They even helped me color a get well card for Nana. Petrie and I hung out for a bit, then I had to take Joseph home. We went by Borders, got a couple of books REALLY on sale because the Borders in our town is closing, and then we drove through places for lunch. He got Wendy's and I got Burger King. I dropped him off, but he invited me in so I could finish my sandwich. I went in, ate, and was about to leave when he asked me to watch some of these parody videos that he is so fond of. Team Four Star - TFS - does these DragonBallZ parodies that are pretty funny. I have only seen the first ten episodes, but it's pretty funny.
Okay, so we watched the first ten episodes and I figured I had stayed this long so might as well play video games. I watched him play "Call of DUty: Black Ops" (much to my later regret) and then he finished the level - which was our deal - fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave so we got in as much of our game as we could. Beforehand, as he was playing CoD, I was lying behind his head and smelling his hair again. It smells like soap and some sort of light fruit. Then while it was a bloody part, he covered my eyes and sat next to me. It was sweet.
But otherwise, these last couple days have been a bit mundane. Oh well. God bless our troops. (Sorry, it was on my mind.)
Hugz
HM
Yesterday was pretty cool. I went to church and hung out with the babies, my little two- and three-year-olds. Alison and Fritz were so precious. They even helped me color a get well card for Nana. Petrie and I hung out for a bit, then I had to take Joseph home. We went by Borders, got a couple of books REALLY on sale because the Borders in our town is closing, and then we drove through places for lunch. He got Wendy's and I got Burger King. I dropped him off, but he invited me in so I could finish my sandwich. I went in, ate, and was about to leave when he asked me to watch some of these parody videos that he is so fond of. Team Four Star - TFS - does these DragonBallZ parodies that are pretty funny. I have only seen the first ten episodes, but it's pretty funny.
Okay, so we watched the first ten episodes and I figured I had stayed this long so might as well play video games. I watched him play "Call of DUty: Black Ops" (much to my later regret) and then he finished the level - which was our deal - fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave so we got in as much of our game as we could. Beforehand, as he was playing CoD, I was lying behind his head and smelling his hair again. It smells like soap and some sort of light fruit. Then while it was a bloody part, he covered my eyes and sat next to me. It was sweet.
But otherwise, these last couple days have been a bit mundane. Oh well. God bless our troops. (Sorry, it was on my mind.)
Hugz
HM
Saturday, April 9, 2011
BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST DREAM EVER!
Greetings.
I had the absolute BEST dream last night. I was in HEAVEN, so much so that I refused to wake up. That is, until the dream stopped...
Okay, it's completely nonsensical, but try and follow. I didn't really get it either. Here goes:
We - Joseph, Claire, William Gottfried, Ernie Rodham, and I - were playing Dungeons and Dragons and I was a fairy. (Just go with it. The only thing that they can do is heal people and cast spells, good for long-range combat.) Anyways, there was some complication where all five of us got sucked into the game board and I was captured by the bad guy. Well, long story short, the others rescued me and we got out of the board. Since Joseph was the one who did most of the rescuing, I pounced on him - I didn't knock him over, but I knocked him back a couple of steps and wrapped my arms around him - and kissed him in appreciation. He was surprised, to say the least, but when I released him, he grabbed me and kissed me again. Then I had a flashforward to a few months later. We were watching a movie and we were sitting on the floor. I was laying in between his legs and we were holding hands. Every once in a while he would kiss the top of my head. It was so nice.
I wanted to stay there forever, but unfortunately dreams have to melt away, and mine did. When I woke up, i wanted to cry because I was frustrated with my subconscious. Why couldn't I stay in that happy place forever? That's usually the bad part about good dreams: you want to hurt something when you wake up from them.
Hugz
HM
I had the absolute BEST dream last night. I was in HEAVEN, so much so that I refused to wake up. That is, until the dream stopped...
Okay, it's completely nonsensical, but try and follow. I didn't really get it either. Here goes:
We - Joseph, Claire, William Gottfried, Ernie Rodham, and I - were playing Dungeons and Dragons and I was a fairy. (Just go with it. The only thing that they can do is heal people and cast spells, good for long-range combat.) Anyways, there was some complication where all five of us got sucked into the game board and I was captured by the bad guy. Well, long story short, the others rescued me and we got out of the board. Since Joseph was the one who did most of the rescuing, I pounced on him - I didn't knock him over, but I knocked him back a couple of steps and wrapped my arms around him - and kissed him in appreciation. He was surprised, to say the least, but when I released him, he grabbed me and kissed me again. Then I had a flashforward to a few months later. We were watching a movie and we were sitting on the floor. I was laying in between his legs and we were holding hands. Every once in a while he would kiss the top of my head. It was so nice.
I wanted to stay there forever, but unfortunately dreams have to melt away, and mine did. When I woke up, i wanted to cry because I was frustrated with my subconscious. Why couldn't I stay in that happy place forever? That's usually the bad part about good dreams: you want to hurt something when you wake up from them.
Hugz
HM
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Worried... To Say the Least
Greetings.
Nothing is going right this week. I stayed the night at Gramps and Nana's last night, Dad and I fought yesterday about the stupidest thing - seriously, he just snapped at me for NOTHING - Joseph and I had a fight earlier today...
But none of that is as important as what's on my mind now. Nana is in the hospital. Everyone's saying "Oh, she's fine, she just needs medicine from and IV, that's all." Bull. Never in my life do I remember Nana being in the hospital. She was sick when I stayed there yesterday - diverticulosis, or something like that, I think I spelled it right. And she was in pain. But... today she was checked into the hospital by HER DOCTOR. That's the doom flag right there. That's like a newscaster saying, "A hurricane has been spotted off the coast of- PANIC! PANIC! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!"
I don't want to sleep. What if she calls and needs me? I know the chances are slim, but I don't want to risk it. Nana was there when I was born. She's who I run to. She understands me better than my parents. She's fun. She's my rock. I need my Nana. And though everyone tells me that she's going to be fine, I can't help having this gut feeling that something's wrong! Something is going to go wrong and I can't help feeling that way. I am scared for my Nana. I don't want to sleep. I want to go to the hospital and sit in her room and watch her, maybe sleep there.
I'm scared. That's not enough to describe it. Excuse my French in advance: I am damn terrified.
Prayerz
HM
Nothing is going right this week. I stayed the night at Gramps and Nana's last night, Dad and I fought yesterday about the stupidest thing - seriously, he just snapped at me for NOTHING - Joseph and I had a fight earlier today...
But none of that is as important as what's on my mind now. Nana is in the hospital. Everyone's saying "Oh, she's fine, she just needs medicine from and IV, that's all." Bull. Never in my life do I remember Nana being in the hospital. She was sick when I stayed there yesterday - diverticulosis, or something like that, I think I spelled it right. And she was in pain. But... today she was checked into the hospital by HER DOCTOR. That's the doom flag right there. That's like a newscaster saying, "A hurricane has been spotted off the coast of- PANIC! PANIC! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!"
I don't want to sleep. What if she calls and needs me? I know the chances are slim, but I don't want to risk it. Nana was there when I was born. She's who I run to. She understands me better than my parents. She's fun. She's my rock. I need my Nana. And though everyone tells me that she's going to be fine, I can't help having this gut feeling that something's wrong! Something is going to go wrong and I can't help feeling that way. I am scared for my Nana. I don't want to sleep. I want to go to the hospital and sit in her room and watch her, maybe sleep there.
I'm scared. That's not enough to describe it. Excuse my French in advance: I am damn terrified.
Prayerz
HM
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Stupid Thing I Did Today
Greetings.
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Why? I don't know.
Greetings.
Okay, for those of you who CAN'T see the timestamp on this, I'm writing this at 3:13 a.m. Why? I'm stressing and it's REALLY hot in my house. OKay, let's go with the stressing. I applied for my community college in February. I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM! I am worried, no BEYOND worried. I have a back-up - a college in New Orleans - but frankly I am scared of New Orleans ever since Hurricane Katrina. I know that's kind of stupid, but THEY GET HURRICANES A LOT. Aunt Gia and Uncle Buzz live there and I could stay with them but I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was 10 years old. I wouldn't want to burden them like that. Their house was one of the ones damaged. It wasn't completely destroyed - my uncle's an engineer for the Navy so he designed it to endure anything - but it was still damaged as well as the place where Gia works. So, yeah, New Orleans is bad.
I am stressing about the community college. Someone come visit me in the nuthouse.
Hugz
HM
P.S. I didn't get to April Fool anyone this year... Wah.
Okay, for those of you who CAN'T see the timestamp on this, I'm writing this at 3:13 a.m. Why? I'm stressing and it's REALLY hot in my house. OKay, let's go with the stressing. I applied for my community college in February. I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM! I am worried, no BEYOND worried. I have a back-up - a college in New Orleans - but frankly I am scared of New Orleans ever since Hurricane Katrina. I know that's kind of stupid, but THEY GET HURRICANES A LOT. Aunt Gia and Uncle Buzz live there and I could stay with them but I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was 10 years old. I wouldn't want to burden them like that. Their house was one of the ones damaged. It wasn't completely destroyed - my uncle's an engineer for the Navy so he designed it to endure anything - but it was still damaged as well as the place where Gia works. So, yeah, New Orleans is bad.
I am stressing about the community college. Someone come visit me in the nuthouse.
Hugz
HM
P.S. I didn't get to April Fool anyone this year... Wah.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Concerned Granddaughter's Log
Greetings.
(รก la Shatner's Captain Kirk) Concerned Granddaughter's Log. Stardate 64745.9. Yes, I actually calculated the stardate from STAR TREK. It's not that hard. Anyways, Poppy is worse off than we all thought. It turns out he needs a triple bypass surgery. He has three completely blocked arteries. The problem is that the doctors are reluctant to operate - though they already assured us they will on Saturday - because he's weak from the pneumonia he's had for the past while. I'm extremely worried. Dad is teaching tomorrow and then he's going straight up to Fort Yates to see Poppy. Lara and Dewey are still there. Dad's brother and sister-in-law, Uncle Buzz and Aunt Gia Walker, are coming up from Louisiana but Dad's sister and brother-in-law, Aunt Abigail and Uncle Reggie Potts, can't come. Buzz and Gia can come because Buzz makes a KILLING working for the Navy but Uncle Reggie and Aunt Abigail aren't that lucky. Anyways, Dad should be home soon. Meanwhile, I'm still hacking, swallowing, and breathing painfully. But I'm more worried about Poppy.
If only Bones were here.
Hugz
HM
(รก la Shatner's Captain Kirk) Concerned Granddaughter's Log. Stardate 64745.9. Yes, I actually calculated the stardate from STAR TREK. It's not that hard. Anyways, Poppy is worse off than we all thought. It turns out he needs a triple bypass surgery. He has three completely blocked arteries. The problem is that the doctors are reluctant to operate - though they already assured us they will on Saturday - because he's weak from the pneumonia he's had for the past while. I'm extremely worried. Dad is teaching tomorrow and then he's going straight up to Fort Yates to see Poppy. Lara and Dewey are still there. Dad's brother and sister-in-law, Uncle Buzz and Aunt Gia Walker, are coming up from Louisiana but Dad's sister and brother-in-law, Aunt Abigail and Uncle Reggie Potts, can't come. Buzz and Gia can come because Buzz makes a KILLING working for the Navy but Uncle Reggie and Aunt Abigail aren't that lucky. Anyways, Dad should be home soon. Meanwhile, I'm still hacking, swallowing, and breathing painfully. But I'm more worried about Poppy.
If only Bones were here.
Hugz
HM
Monday, March 28, 2011
Nothing's Going Right
Greetings.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY BLOG! WHEEEEEEE! I STARTED ON FRIDAY MARCH 26, 2010! WOW, IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING YEAR! WAHOO!
Okay, time for the depressing stuff. As the intelligent ones among you readers can guess by the title, things are not going so hot for me. Let's start off with the easy one: I am sick. Not throwing-up-sick anymore, but I have a throat infection (though to me it feels like something else, but, hey, I can't see my own throat because I don't have a flashlight that small) and IT HURTS LIKE A @&^$(&@)&#$)^&)(*^&@(*^(*@*#$*^&@^^@*^$#&^*@&*(#*^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Obviously, I didn't really curse, but you get the idea.)
The sad part is, and I know I have addressed this a MILLION times before, that none of my sisters nor my best friend have called to ask me what's wrong. Bennie did last week on Thursday, but there was nothing on Wednesday. I went to school on Friday - had a choir festival, kicked MAJOR WELLER PREPARATORY ACADEMY SAILORS' BUTT! - but felt sick by the end. I stayed in bed from Saturday to today. I didn't go to church yesterday. (It's Monday @ 11:54 when I am writing this part.) Joseph didn't call, nor did Petrie, but I didn't expect him to. Today, I got a text from Chase and then a reply from an earlier text message I sent to William. THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL THE CONSIDERATION I GET WHEN I AM SICK! I shall have you know, I always make an effort to call, visit, email excessively, or, at the least, text insanely until I know every detail and diagnosis of their illness. I was worried sick when Ally tore her ACL, but, because she was always so busy, I could never visit. Not for lack of trying; I asked at least once a day. And when Claire was sick, I called her three times to check on her. Joseph? I took home after school and then I stopped by Jackson's and got him a piece of cake. Joss? Bennie? Texts, calls, the whole shebang. They just live a whole lot farther than the others otherwise I would have visited. I'd do the same for Chase and the rest but Chase has never been sick in the short time I've known him and the others I call and do whatever the second I hear about them because I don't see them on a daily basis.
But me? Nah. Maybe I'd just be better off if I just left for a while. It's not like people notice. And you want to know the saddest part? When Nana and I went to the doctor today, I was praying that I had tonsillitis so that I could have my tonsils out. Why? Maybe people would notice a major surgery, the fact that I couldn't talk, the legal pad or white board in my hands. (Okay, now it's Tuesday @ 12:03. Just so you know.) Whenever I get sick, I think of this one story I read in CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL FOR TEENS.
This girl was invisible at her high school, or so she felt. Always alone, no one spoke to her and she spoke to no one. I can't remember, but she was in between the ages of 15 and 17. One day, they diagnose her with ovarian cancer. She had her hysterectomy and suddenly she started to realize that people hadn't been shunning her; she had been shunning them. Whenever I get sick, I pray for it to be major so that I can have that happen to me. I know it's completely shallow and terrible and really REALLY pathetic, but that's what happens. Can you blame me? No one notices me when I'm well and not even my sisters/best friend notice when I'm sick. Which is sadder?
Oh, I forgot, there's worse news. Poppy, the man who is spending all of his money on me (and Bentley a little bit too, but not as much) is in the hospital with not only pneumonia BUT ALSO AN ANEURYSM IN ONE OF HIS MAJOR VEINS. Yeah, that's right. They wouldn't have noticed the aneurysm had he not gone in for pneumonia! He could have died! Dad's kind of shaking and he's been keeping close tabs on his half-brother, Dewey, and half-sister-in-law, Lara, for updates. I'm scared. This is why I hate people spending money on me. What if I never get to tell them thank you or pay them back? I want to talk to Poppy, but he's in ICU. Dad says he's fine and that the only thing he's complaining about is that he doesn't have his laptop to manage his stocks.
But I keep dwelling. He's a Christian Scientist and has been since his last wife, Nim, or Helena, died of pancreatic cancer about three years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now if it weren't for Lara. She's monitoring him constantly and making sure he follows orders. I'm scared. I'm sorry, but I am. If you think it's wimpy of me to get all weepy about this, BACK THE HELL OFF. I am PMSing, I am sick, and I almost lost my grandfather. And for those of you heartless jerks out there who think I want his money? Shame on you. Then again, it's not my place to lay judgment.
GOD will punish you.
Hugz
HM
Dedicated to all of those frightened or suffering for a loved one. And everyone who is sick right this second. God bless.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY BLOG! WHEEEEEEE! I STARTED ON FRIDAY MARCH 26, 2010! WOW, IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING YEAR! WAHOO!
Okay, time for the depressing stuff. As the intelligent ones among you readers can guess by the title, things are not going so hot for me. Let's start off with the easy one: I am sick. Not throwing-up-sick anymore, but I have a throat infection (though to me it feels like something else, but, hey, I can't see my own throat because I don't have a flashlight that small) and IT HURTS LIKE A @&^$(&@)&#$)^&)(*^&@(*^(*@*#$*^&@^^@*^$#&^*@&*(#*^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Obviously, I didn't really curse, but you get the idea.)
The sad part is, and I know I have addressed this a MILLION times before, that none of my sisters nor my best friend have called to ask me what's wrong. Bennie did last week on Thursday, but there was nothing on Wednesday. I went to school on Friday - had a choir festival, kicked MAJOR WELLER PREPARATORY ACADEMY SAILORS' BUTT! - but felt sick by the end. I stayed in bed from Saturday to today. I didn't go to church yesterday. (It's Monday @ 11:54 when I am writing this part.) Joseph didn't call, nor did Petrie, but I didn't expect him to. Today, I got a text from Chase and then a reply from an earlier text message I sent to William. THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL THE CONSIDERATION I GET WHEN I AM SICK! I shall have you know, I always make an effort to call, visit, email excessively, or, at the least, text insanely until I know every detail and diagnosis of their illness. I was worried sick when Ally tore her ACL, but, because she was always so busy, I could never visit. Not for lack of trying; I asked at least once a day. And when Claire was sick, I called her three times to check on her. Joseph? I took home after school and then I stopped by Jackson's and got him a piece of cake. Joss? Bennie? Texts, calls, the whole shebang. They just live a whole lot farther than the others otherwise I would have visited. I'd do the same for Chase and the rest but Chase has never been sick in the short time I've known him and the others I call and do whatever the second I hear about them because I don't see them on a daily basis.
But me? Nah. Maybe I'd just be better off if I just left for a while. It's not like people notice. And you want to know the saddest part? When Nana and I went to the doctor today, I was praying that I had tonsillitis so that I could have my tonsils out. Why? Maybe people would notice a major surgery, the fact that I couldn't talk, the legal pad or white board in my hands. (Okay, now it's Tuesday @ 12:03. Just so you know.) Whenever I get sick, I think of this one story I read in CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL FOR TEENS.
This girl was invisible at her high school, or so she felt. Always alone, no one spoke to her and she spoke to no one. I can't remember, but she was in between the ages of 15 and 17. One day, they diagnose her with ovarian cancer. She had her hysterectomy and suddenly she started to realize that people hadn't been shunning her; she had been shunning them. Whenever I get sick, I pray for it to be major so that I can have that happen to me. I know it's completely shallow and terrible and really REALLY pathetic, but that's what happens. Can you blame me? No one notices me when I'm well and not even my sisters/best friend notice when I'm sick. Which is sadder?
Oh, I forgot, there's worse news. Poppy, the man who is spending all of his money on me (and Bentley a little bit too, but not as much) is in the hospital with not only pneumonia BUT ALSO AN ANEURYSM IN ONE OF HIS MAJOR VEINS. Yeah, that's right. They wouldn't have noticed the aneurysm had he not gone in for pneumonia! He could have died! Dad's kind of shaking and he's been keeping close tabs on his half-brother, Dewey, and half-sister-in-law, Lara, for updates. I'm scared. This is why I hate people spending money on me. What if I never get to tell them thank you or pay them back? I want to talk to Poppy, but he's in ICU. Dad says he's fine and that the only thing he's complaining about is that he doesn't have his laptop to manage his stocks.
But I keep dwelling. He's a Christian Scientist and has been since his last wife, Nim, or Helena, died of pancreatic cancer about three years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now if it weren't for Lara. She's monitoring him constantly and making sure he follows orders. I'm scared. I'm sorry, but I am. If you think it's wimpy of me to get all weepy about this, BACK THE HELL OFF. I am PMSing, I am sick, and I almost lost my grandfather. And for those of you heartless jerks out there who think I want his money? Shame on you. Then again, it's not my place to lay judgment.
GOD will punish you.
Hugz
HM
Dedicated to all of those frightened or suffering for a loved one. And everyone who is sick right this second. God bless.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Update
Greetings.
NEWS FLASH! LINKARA IS JUST AS AWESOME AS THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC!!!!!
Sorry, I had to put it there. I love Linkara. He is younger than the Critic and I think kind of cuter (but then again, I have weird tastes. If you've seen Joseph, you know.) than the Critic and he doesn't curse! I love him! <3
Okay, I'm done being crazy fangirl. I have been sick the last two days and I have done squat. AND I LOVE IT! I have been amazingly stressed and wired for the last few days. It's been agonizing and doing nothing for my health. Which is probably why I got sick. Not like KOFF KOFF HACK HACK can't breathe sick, but spill-your-guts sick. Sorry. Anyways, I did do some of my Spanish homework and I got a lot of my English done, so yay me, but Bev still wants me to call this place about a job, I still have to cook, clean, and pick up Bentley, and do everything else around here. What part of "BLEEEEEEAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" doesn't anyone understand?
Yeah, I know I am griping but I've been kind of pissy the last few days. I apologize sincerely. Staying home all day makes me antsy but I don't feel like going anywhere because I'm sick. Ugh, this is why I hate being sick. It's no fun. Sure, some people play video games. But I don't for two reasons. One: I really suck at video games. Yeah, I try and learn about video games, and I LOVE watching them, but I can't play first person shooters because they make me dizzy, online games I can't get the controls down on, and other video games are either too hard or complicated. Here is the complete list of video games I can kick butt while playing:
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (XBOX 360 and PS2)
Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS2. Boy, did THAT take me forever)
Teen Titans (PS2)
Soul Caliber IV (XBOX 360)
LEGO Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Star Wars: The Original Trilogy (PS2, XBOX 360, and PS2 respectively)
And that's it! And the second reason: Dr. Craig said it would be a good idea for Bentley to stay home today. No reason, or at least none that I get told. So Bentley plays video games all day instead of doing the homework I KNOW he has because I had the exact same teachers in eighth grade that he has now. I have done most of mine. I just have to finish up the more tedious assignments. He hasn't done DIDDLY.
Ugh, just thinking about it is making me frustrated and making my stomach hurt, so I am moving on. I don't know if I've said this but MY THEATER TROUPE IS DOING MY ADAPTATION OF "THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS"! If I have said this before, I'm sorry. If I haven't, BOO-YAH I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!
Okay, now I am REALLY feeling sick... I gotta go.
Hugz
HM
NEWS FLASH! LINKARA IS JUST AS AWESOME AS THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC!!!!!
Sorry, I had to put it there. I love Linkara. He is younger than the Critic and I think kind of cuter (but then again, I have weird tastes. If you've seen Joseph, you know.) than the Critic and he doesn't curse! I love him! <3
Okay, I'm done being crazy fangirl. I have been sick the last two days and I have done squat. AND I LOVE IT! I have been amazingly stressed and wired for the last few days. It's been agonizing and doing nothing for my health. Which is probably why I got sick. Not like KOFF KOFF HACK HACK can't breathe sick, but spill-your-guts sick. Sorry. Anyways, I did do some of my Spanish homework and I got a lot of my English done, so yay me, but Bev still wants me to call this place about a job, I still have to cook, clean, and pick up Bentley, and do everything else around here. What part of "BLEEEEEEAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" doesn't anyone understand?
Yeah, I know I am griping but I've been kind of pissy the last few days. I apologize sincerely. Staying home all day makes me antsy but I don't feel like going anywhere because I'm sick. Ugh, this is why I hate being sick. It's no fun. Sure, some people play video games. But I don't for two reasons. One: I really suck at video games. Yeah, I try and learn about video games, and I LOVE watching them, but I can't play first person shooters because they make me dizzy, online games I can't get the controls down on, and other video games are either too hard or complicated. Here is the complete list of video games I can kick butt while playing:
Marvel Ultimate Alliance (XBOX 360 and PS2)
Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS2. Boy, did THAT take me forever)
Teen Titans (PS2)
Soul Caliber IV (XBOX 360)
LEGO Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Star Wars: The Original Trilogy (PS2, XBOX 360, and PS2 respectively)
And that's it! And the second reason: Dr. Craig said it would be a good idea for Bentley to stay home today. No reason, or at least none that I get told. So Bentley plays video games all day instead of doing the homework I KNOW he has because I had the exact same teachers in eighth grade that he has now. I have done most of mine. I just have to finish up the more tedious assignments. He hasn't done DIDDLY.
Ugh, just thinking about it is making me frustrated and making my stomach hurt, so I am moving on. I don't know if I've said this but MY THEATER TROUPE IS DOING MY ADAPTATION OF "THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS"! If I have said this before, I'm sorry. If I haven't, BOO-YAH I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!
Okay, now I am REALLY feeling sick... I gotta go.
Hugz
HM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)