The Nostalgia Critic (and Hex Hall, which isn't as awesome)

Greetings.


Every decade or so there comes a genius - musical, cinematic, or otherwise - that provides us with amazing comedy by making fun of already existing creations. My favorite examples include, The Key of Awesome, DaveDays, Venetian Princess, and, the King of Parodies and a personal hero of mine, WEIRD AL YANKOVIC! (genuflect now, weenies, or I'll come and hurt you) But now I am pissed off at Petrie, this guy from my church. He has introduced me to (enter dramatic music that you can easily say "dun dun dun" to) THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC!!! (cue gratuitous lightning) He takes these crappy movies - TMNT, BATMAN AND ROBIN, HOWARD THE DUCK - and turns them onto themselves to hysterical proportions. I shall include his website below JUST SO YOU CAN SEE HOW FREAKING AWESOME HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic

Anyways, watch a few of the movies. I, myself, have been watching them for FIFTEEN HOURS!!!!! (minus the few hours I was at dinner with Nana and Gramps) These are hysterical, addicting, and downright awesome. Not only that, the Critic is actually kind of cute.

Now, in the spirit of critiquing, I am going to attempt to criticize HEX HALL, a novel by Rachel Hawkins, that I recently checked out from Horizon High School's library. Ahem:

Hex Hall starts out as an interesting, albeit unoriginal, concept. Girl - Sophie Mercer - who does not know father is actually a witch whose powers she inherited from her father gets in trouble and is sent to a witch reform school where everyone is either hot, evil, sweet, or 2 of the above. She befriends a lesbian vampire (...really? As if vamps weren't getting enough bad press already) who turns out to be her roommate (NOOOOOO!!!! UM, HEADMISTRESS, CAN I SWITCH ROOMS?????) and is suspected of murdering her former roommate. ...Class, can we say "suspicious"? Then we have the evil trio: Chaston, Anna, and Elodie, self-proclaimed 'Dark witches' who just want to screw over the world and conjure up demons, who are more powerful than the shifters (shapeshifters i.e. Jacob), faeries (i.e. Sookie Stackhouse but much more obvious), and some of the witches and warlocks (what the hell happened to wizard?). Then there's Archer Cross, the studly boyfriend of Elodie, the meanest of the trio even though Anna seems to be the leader. Chaston and Anna, throughout the book, are found almost dead in the same way the vampire's - Jenna - dead roommate had been. So immediately, Jenna comes under suspicion. She has to go away. Well, Sophie finds her great-grandmother, Alice, and she begins to teach her really strong spells.

Everything's progressing nicely. Archer seems to have the secret not-so-secret hots for Sophie Big-Boobs (no kidding, duh, she has big knockers) who likes that just fine. Elodie makes friends with Sophie once her friends are out of the picture and takes lessons from Alice as well. Jenna's gone.

But then, OHMYGAWSH, when Sophie and Archer are making out and taking off clothes (SERIOUSLY?????????) SOPHIE FINDS A TATTOO THAT MAKES HIM A MEMBER OF, LIKE, THE KKK FOR WITCHES!!!!!!!! Archer disappears, the headmistress tells her to go back to bed, but no, Sophie and Elodie go to see Alice. Then - SPOILER ALERT - ALICE REVEALS THAT SHE IS A DEMON RESURRECTED BY ELODIE, ANNA, CHASTON AND THE DECEASED ROOMMATE OF JENNA, HOLLY, WHO KILLED HOLLY AS A BLOOD SACRIFICE AND THEN WENT AFTER ANNA AND CHASTON FOR BLOOD. Alice then practically kills Elodie in the same manner that she did the other two - two geisha nails to the throat, just like a vampire - and proceeds to drink her blood. Then Sophie grows a pair and kills her great-grandmommy by knifing her with a sword that is the only thing that can - OHMYGAWSH - kill demons in the world!

So it is revealed that Sophie is a quarter-demon and that she is descended from a specter from Hell itself. FUN!!!! BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS HER LESBIAN BEST VAMPIRE FRIEND RETURNS SO THEY CAN BE MONSTERS TOGETHER!!!!!!! But - what's this? Archer has still not been found. SEQUEL!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Okay, fundamental flaws: I care nothing about the characters. Sophie is underdeveloped, Jenna is a bloodsucker who is a lesbian rooming with her big-boobied roommate (anyone else see what's wrong here?), Archer is the stereotypical pretty boy (SERIOUSLY, JENNA AND SOPHIE EVEN SAY THAT, ALMOST VERBATIM!), Elodie, Chaston, and Anna are just awful, and it was a mess. Not to mention the story seemed to drag ON AND ON until finally in the last thirty pages Hawkins had to wrap things up so she did so hurriedly and very sloppily, thus ending the book on a cheesy and unfulfilling note. I regret spending the last four days trying to read this book. DO NOT READ IT.

Wow, critiquing is fun. THANK YOU NOSTALGIA CRITIC! (cue cheesy music, preferably something that can go with the lyrics "Here's a story of a lovely lady...")


Hugz
HM, BOOK CRITIC