Greetings.
Bev has a Christmas complex. I swear. She insists, the SECOND that Thanksgiving is over, that Christmas is ushered in. She set up the Christmas tree THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. It's like, "Hey. pig out, eat the food! 12:01 a.m.? Oh, no! JESUS WILL BE MAD AT ME IF I DON'T SET UP THE TREE RIGHT THIS SECOND!" Yes, that's pretty much what she's like. She loves Christmas. Like, she would cheat on Dad with it if she could.
I love Christmas too. WHEN IT'S FRICKING DECEMBER!!!!!!!!! It's not even December and we're suiting up for Christmas. Does anyone else think that this is wrong? For one, Jesus's birthday was in the SUMMER. But let's ignore that for a moment. Aren't there supposed to be twelve days of Christmas? So why are we starting to prepare for it twelve WEEKS before it?
I guess you could call me a Scrooge - humbug and all that - but truthfully, I haven't really felt the Christmas spirit in a long time. Sure I feel good on Christmas Day and the presents are nice. But I can't remember what the Christmas Spirit feels like. I remember I used to have it... then poof. One year it was gone. Maybe it was during the worst year of my life - seventh grade, age 12 - that I lost it. I'm watching even THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC and he has great Christmas cheer. The biggest cynic I know loves Christmas. What does that make me? Oh, my gosh...
I am Scrooge! I'm seriously Scrooge! He had Christmas spirit with his sister Fan and Fezziwig and Belle and then he lost it and became a rich miser! I'M FRICKING SCROOGE! (except I'm not rich) Dude, I need some GHOSTS. I need help! HELP ME, SOMEONE! Oh, Lord!
On a related note, I have been asked to play a part in the Dove Creek Bible Church's Christmas show. Maybe that will help me get my spirit back. I used to be in play all the time at my old church - Southington Heights Christian Church, the mother organization to Southington Heights Christian Academy - and I loved it.
And now for something completely different. I had the worst nightmare last night. I dreamt that Joseph was on a date WITH A GUY FROM MY THEATER TROUPE (I am unsure if the guy from my troupe is gay or not) NAMED GARRISON OTTEN. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I HAVE NO CHRISTMAS SPIRIT AND I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE GUY I LOVE AS A GAY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE GET ME SOME PSYCHIATRIC HELP!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up in a cold sweat, I was so freaked out. Mind you I was only asleep for an hour last night, I crap you not, mostly because I was stupid enough to watch the Nostalgia Critic's Old vs. New of WILLY WONKA/CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.
Guess what I have a pathological fear of. Yep. The fricking Blueberry in those movies.
I am going to go check myself into Arkham Asylum now.
Cuckooz
HM (Why so serious?)
Showing posts with label Nostalgia Critic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nostalgia Critic. Show all posts
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Nostalgia Critic #2 (and Other Less Important Things)
Greetings.
Seriously, this guy is so funny! I am re-watching his review of MY PET MONSTER and he's griping about how they used the toy (yes, it was a toy first) on the cover of the videocassette instead of the actual monster in the movie. (It was the 80s, go with it) This is what he said:
"So let me get this straight: The children's plaything that you can get at Toys-R-Us for, like, $15, is a better special effect than this ANIMATRONIC CHUCK E. CHEESE NIGHTMARE!!!!! (spazzes out momentarily) YOU LIED TO ME MOVIE, YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING THIS (points to cover) BUT NO INSTEAD I'M GETTING (shows monster from movie, shudders) THE F****** CRACK BABY FROM "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"!!!!!!"
SOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!! If you have not checked this guy out, you must.
Anyways, Claire stayed over yesterday and Bev got mad at me for being a good sister. Here is what happened: Bentley went out with his girlfriend (hell if I know, she could be a Russian spy or something) Nina Burbank and a few of their friends like Donna Pickett, Viola St. Sebastian, and other kids from our theater troupe. Well, he left at five thirty-ish. He didn't get home until 11:45, midnight. I CAN'T EVEN STAY OUT THAT LATE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! But I am getting ahead of myself.
Anyways, around 11:30, I begin to worry because I am a good sister so I use Claire's cell phone (mine's dead) and call him. I can't understand him, but he's alive, so okay. I tell him to call Bev. He doesn't of course, and I don't hear from him for the rest of the night. Cut to 12:45 when I call Dad, who is at Mr. Hart's house playing games. I ask him where Bentley is and he is amazed to know that BENTLEY HAS NOT RETURNED HOME (to his knowledge, but earlier on, Bentley said to call Dad). But our connection is cut off and he calls back a minute or two later and tells Bev that Bentley IS home and that, when I went out to see Bev lying on the couch asleep, he was already home.
Bev. Gets. Mad. At. Me. For. Calling. Bentley. To. See. If. He. Is. Okay. She says I was being inappropriate! WHAT THE HELL WAS INAPPROPRIATE!!!! I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT IF HE WAS DEAD, DRUNK, OR NO LONGER A VIRGIN!!!!!!!! I WAS WORRIED!!!!! I WAS A GOOD BIG SISTER!!!!!!! AND SHE HAS THE BALLS TO GET MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FRICKING HELL IS UP WITH THAT???????
Anyways, today I played third wheel/chauffeur to Claire and Jean-Luc. (I'm more a chauffeur than person these days, I guess) We went to dinner and then saw MEGAMIND (4 out of 5 stars, it was better than and 3.5 but not quite really a 4, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt).
There, that's my life for the past two days. Wheeee...
Hugz
HM
Seriously, this guy is so funny! I am re-watching his review of MY PET MONSTER and he's griping about how they used the toy (yes, it was a toy first) on the cover of the videocassette instead of the actual monster in the movie. (It was the 80s, go with it) This is what he said:
"So let me get this straight: The children's plaything that you can get at Toys-R-Us for, like, $15, is a better special effect than this ANIMATRONIC CHUCK E. CHEESE NIGHTMARE!!!!! (spazzes out momentarily) YOU LIED TO ME MOVIE, YOU LIED TO ME! I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING THIS (points to cover) BUT NO INSTEAD I'M GETTING (shows monster from movie, shudders) THE F****** CRACK BABY FROM "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"!!!!!!"
SOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!! If you have not checked this guy out, you must.
Anyways, Claire stayed over yesterday and Bev got mad at me for being a good sister. Here is what happened: Bentley went out with his girlfriend (hell if I know, she could be a Russian spy or something) Nina Burbank and a few of their friends like Donna Pickett, Viola St. Sebastian, and other kids from our theater troupe. Well, he left at five thirty-ish. He didn't get home until 11:45, midnight. I CAN'T EVEN STAY OUT THAT LATE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! But I am getting ahead of myself.
Anyways, around 11:30, I begin to worry because I am a good sister so I use Claire's cell phone (mine's dead) and call him. I can't understand him, but he's alive, so okay. I tell him to call Bev. He doesn't of course, and I don't hear from him for the rest of the night. Cut to 12:45 when I call Dad, who is at Mr. Hart's house playing games. I ask him where Bentley is and he is amazed to know that BENTLEY HAS NOT RETURNED HOME (to his knowledge, but earlier on, Bentley said to call Dad). But our connection is cut off and he calls back a minute or two later and tells Bev that Bentley IS home and that, when I went out to see Bev lying on the couch asleep, he was already home.
Bev. Gets. Mad. At. Me. For. Calling. Bentley. To. See. If. He. Is. Okay. She says I was being inappropriate! WHAT THE HELL WAS INAPPROPRIATE!!!! I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT IF HE WAS DEAD, DRUNK, OR NO LONGER A VIRGIN!!!!!!!! I WAS WORRIED!!!!! I WAS A GOOD BIG SISTER!!!!!!! AND SHE HAS THE BALLS TO GET MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FRICKING HELL IS UP WITH THAT???????
Anyways, today I played third wheel/chauffeur to Claire and Jean-Luc. (I'm more a chauffeur than person these days, I guess) We went to dinner and then saw MEGAMIND (4 out of 5 stars, it was better than and 3.5 but not quite really a 4, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt).
There, that's my life for the past two days. Wheeee...
Hugz
HM
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Nostalgia Critic (and Hex Hall, which isn't as awesome)
Greetings.
Every decade or so there comes a genius - musical, cinematic, or otherwise - that provides us with amazing comedy by making fun of already existing creations. My favorite examples include, The Key of Awesome, DaveDays, Venetian Princess, and, the King of Parodies and a personal hero of mine, WEIRD AL YANKOVIC! (genuflect now, weenies, or I'll come and hurt you) But now I am pissed off at Petrie, this guy from my church. He has introduced me to (enter dramatic music that you can easily say "dun dun dun" to) THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC!!! (cue gratuitous lightning) He takes these crappy movies - TMNT, BATMAN AND ROBIN, HOWARD THE DUCK - and turns them onto themselves to hysterical proportions. I shall include his website below JUST SO YOU CAN SEE HOW FREAKING AWESOME HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic
Anyways, watch a few of the movies. I, myself, have been watching them for FIFTEEN HOURS!!!!! (minus the few hours I was at dinner with Nana and Gramps) These are hysterical, addicting, and downright awesome. Not only that, the Critic is actually kind of cute.
Now, in the spirit of critiquing, I am going to attempt to criticize HEX HALL, a novel by Rachel Hawkins, that I recently checked out from Horizon High School's library. Ahem:
Hex Hall starts out as an interesting, albeit unoriginal, concept. Girl - Sophie Mercer - who does not know father is actually a witch whose powers she inherited from her father gets in trouble and is sent to a witch reform school where everyone is either hot, evil, sweet, or 2 of the above. She befriends a lesbian vampire (...really? As if vamps weren't getting enough bad press already) who turns out to be her roommate (NOOOOOO!!!! UM, HEADMISTRESS, CAN I SWITCH ROOMS?????) and is suspected of murdering her former roommate. ...Class, can we say "suspicious"? Then we have the evil trio: Chaston, Anna, and Elodie, self-proclaimed 'Dark witches' who just want to screw over the world and conjure up demons, who are more powerful than the shifters (shapeshifters i.e. Jacob), faeries (i.e. Sookie Stackhouse but much more obvious), and some of the witches and warlocks (what the hell happened to wizard?). Then there's Archer Cross, the studly boyfriend of Elodie, the meanest of the trio even though Anna seems to be the leader. Chaston and Anna, throughout the book, are found almost dead in the same way the vampire's - Jenna - dead roommate had been. So immediately, Jenna comes under suspicion. She has to go away. Well, Sophie finds her great-grandmother, Alice, and she begins to teach her really strong spells.
Everything's progressing nicely. Archer seems to have the secret not-so-secret hots for Sophie Big-Boobs (no kidding, duh, she has big knockers) who likes that just fine. Elodie makes friends with Sophie once her friends are out of the picture and takes lessons from Alice as well. Jenna's gone.
But then, OHMYGAWSH, when Sophie and Archer are making out and taking off clothes (SERIOUSLY?????????) SOPHIE FINDS A TATTOO THAT MAKES HIM A MEMBER OF, LIKE, THE KKK FOR WITCHES!!!!!!!! Archer disappears, the headmistress tells her to go back to bed, but no, Sophie and Elodie go to see Alice. Then - SPOILER ALERT - ALICE REVEALS THAT SHE IS A DEMON RESURRECTED BY ELODIE, ANNA, CHASTON AND THE DECEASED ROOMMATE OF JENNA, HOLLY, WHO KILLED HOLLY AS A BLOOD SACRIFICE AND THEN WENT AFTER ANNA AND CHASTON FOR BLOOD. Alice then practically kills Elodie in the same manner that she did the other two - two geisha nails to the throat, just like a vampire - and proceeds to drink her blood. Then Sophie grows a pair and kills her great-grandmommy by knifing her with a sword that is the only thing that can - OHMYGAWSH - kill demons in the world!
So it is revealed that Sophie is a quarter-demon and that she is descended from a specter from Hell itself. FUN!!!! BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS HER LESBIAN BEST VAMPIRE FRIEND RETURNS SO THEY CAN BE MONSTERS TOGETHER!!!!!!! But - what's this? Archer has still not been found. SEQUEL!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Okay, fundamental flaws: I care nothing about the characters. Sophie is underdeveloped, Jenna is a bloodsucker who is a lesbian rooming with her big-boobied roommate (anyone else see what's wrong here?), Archer is the stereotypical pretty boy (SERIOUSLY, JENNA AND SOPHIE EVEN SAY THAT, ALMOST VERBATIM!), Elodie, Chaston, and Anna are just awful, and it was a mess. Not to mention the story seemed to drag ON AND ON until finally in the last thirty pages Hawkins had to wrap things up so she did so hurriedly and very sloppily, thus ending the book on a cheesy and unfulfilling note. I regret spending the last four days trying to read this book. DO NOT READ IT.
Wow, critiquing is fun. THANK YOU NOSTALGIA CRITIC! (cue cheesy music, preferably something that can go with the lyrics "Here's a story of a lovely lady...")
Hugz
HM, BOOK CRITIC
Every decade or so there comes a genius - musical, cinematic, or otherwise - that provides us with amazing comedy by making fun of already existing creations. My favorite examples include, The Key of Awesome, DaveDays, Venetian Princess, and, the King of Parodies and a personal hero of mine, WEIRD AL YANKOVIC! (genuflect now, weenies, or I'll come and hurt you) But now I am pissed off at Petrie, this guy from my church. He has introduced me to (enter dramatic music that you can easily say "dun dun dun" to) THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC!!! (cue gratuitous lightning) He takes these crappy movies - TMNT, BATMAN AND ROBIN, HOWARD THE DUCK - and turns them onto themselves to hysterical proportions. I shall include his website below JUST SO YOU CAN SEE HOW FREAKING AWESOME HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic
Anyways, watch a few of the movies. I, myself, have been watching them for FIFTEEN HOURS!!!!! (minus the few hours I was at dinner with Nana and Gramps) These are hysterical, addicting, and downright awesome. Not only that, the Critic is actually kind of cute.
Now, in the spirit of critiquing, I am going to attempt to criticize HEX HALL, a novel by Rachel Hawkins, that I recently checked out from Horizon High School's library. Ahem:
Hex Hall starts out as an interesting, albeit unoriginal, concept. Girl - Sophie Mercer - who does not know father is actually a witch whose powers she inherited from her father gets in trouble and is sent to a witch reform school where everyone is either hot, evil, sweet, or 2 of the above. She befriends a lesbian vampire (...really? As if vamps weren't getting enough bad press already) who turns out to be her roommate (NOOOOOO!!!! UM, HEADMISTRESS, CAN I SWITCH ROOMS?????) and is suspected of murdering her former roommate. ...Class, can we say "suspicious"? Then we have the evil trio: Chaston, Anna, and Elodie, self-proclaimed 'Dark witches' who just want to screw over the world and conjure up demons, who are more powerful than the shifters (shapeshifters i.e. Jacob), faeries (i.e. Sookie Stackhouse but much more obvious), and some of the witches and warlocks (what the hell happened to wizard?). Then there's Archer Cross, the studly boyfriend of Elodie, the meanest of the trio even though Anna seems to be the leader. Chaston and Anna, throughout the book, are found almost dead in the same way the vampire's - Jenna - dead roommate had been. So immediately, Jenna comes under suspicion. She has to go away. Well, Sophie finds her great-grandmother, Alice, and she begins to teach her really strong spells.
Everything's progressing nicely. Archer seems to have the secret not-so-secret hots for Sophie Big-Boobs (no kidding, duh, she has big knockers) who likes that just fine. Elodie makes friends with Sophie once her friends are out of the picture and takes lessons from Alice as well. Jenna's gone.
But then, OHMYGAWSH, when Sophie and Archer are making out and taking off clothes (SERIOUSLY?????????) SOPHIE FINDS A TATTOO THAT MAKES HIM A MEMBER OF, LIKE, THE KKK FOR WITCHES!!!!!!!! Archer disappears, the headmistress tells her to go back to bed, but no, Sophie and Elodie go to see Alice. Then - SPOILER ALERT - ALICE REVEALS THAT SHE IS A DEMON RESURRECTED BY ELODIE, ANNA, CHASTON AND THE DECEASED ROOMMATE OF JENNA, HOLLY, WHO KILLED HOLLY AS A BLOOD SACRIFICE AND THEN WENT AFTER ANNA AND CHASTON FOR BLOOD. Alice then practically kills Elodie in the same manner that she did the other two - two geisha nails to the throat, just like a vampire - and proceeds to drink her blood. Then Sophie grows a pair and kills her great-grandmommy by knifing her with a sword that is the only thing that can - OHMYGAWSH - kill demons in the world!
So it is revealed that Sophie is a quarter-demon and that she is descended from a specter from Hell itself. FUN!!!! BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS HER LESBIAN BEST VAMPIRE FRIEND RETURNS SO THEY CAN BE MONSTERS TOGETHER!!!!!!! But - what's this? Archer has still not been found. SEQUEL!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Okay, fundamental flaws: I care nothing about the characters. Sophie is underdeveloped, Jenna is a bloodsucker who is a lesbian rooming with her big-boobied roommate (anyone else see what's wrong here?), Archer is the stereotypical pretty boy (SERIOUSLY, JENNA AND SOPHIE EVEN SAY THAT, ALMOST VERBATIM!), Elodie, Chaston, and Anna are just awful, and it was a mess. Not to mention the story seemed to drag ON AND ON until finally in the last thirty pages Hawkins had to wrap things up so she did so hurriedly and very sloppily, thus ending the book on a cheesy and unfulfilling note. I regret spending the last four days trying to read this book. DO NOT READ IT.
Wow, critiquing is fun. THANK YOU NOSTALGIA CRITIC! (cue cheesy music, preferably something that can go with the lyrics "Here's a story of a lovely lady...")
Hugz
HM, BOOK CRITIC
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