Greetings.
Why is it that when I want to be alone the most, people always come at me, demanding me to be social and hang out and "stop being such a grouch, HM, and play Scrabble with us!" I am fairly solitary, happy in myself and my thoughts. But then, when I want company the most, like when I'm driving home after school in Animal... I don't have anyone. Claire joined the stupid swim team (WHO THE HELL IN NORTH DAKOTA WOULD SWIM IN JANUARY/FEBRUARY?) and Joseph, Ernie, William, and Todd already have rides home the days that they don't have band practice. Or in AP English class. We're separated by sixes (sometimes sevens) into discussion groups all the time. I am in the back of the room all alone. I'm completely serious here. My AP English class is full of that rare breed of animal: the SMART popular jerks. So the one class I wish I had someone to talk to, they're busy talking about whose party whom went to, what Snooki did on JERSEY SHORE last night, and crap like that while I sit silently in the back of the class, six empty desks surrounding me (because when Mrs. Frost initially placed us at the beginning of the semester, she actually did place everyone in even groups, except no one listens to the seating chart), and don't speak unless Mrs. Frost calls on me. WHY COULDN'T JOSEPH BE IN THIS CLASS WITH ME? HE HAS IT, BUT THE PERIOD BEFORE MINE!
I'm sorry... I just had a really crappy day. I was all alone again, Dad and I had another fight (I'm not at Nana and Gramps's house, don't worry), Joseph mad me angry when he chose his band friends whom he sees for hours upon hours a day over me, and I just found out that this fifty-year-old woman got the part of Tracy in HAIRSPRAY that I just auditioned for on Sunday. That's right. You read it right. Tracy Turnblad, a seventeen-year-old chubby girl, is not going to be played by a seventeen-year-old chubby girl (ME) but by Rosanna Salazar, a late-forties fat woman with wrinkles all over her face. SHE'S PLAYING MY DREAM ROLE AND I KNOW I AUDITIONED BETTER THAN HER! Bev and Dad say it's politics. NO CRAP, SHERLOCK! I can't catch a break... this isn't my little junior theater troupe. No, this is the big leagues. These people are weird. If they could cast a twenty-year-old as little orphan Annie, they would. They ALWAYS cast old. ALWAYS. But I thought if I could go in and wow them with my songs, acting, and dancing, then I'd be okay. But no. I'm not old and fat. I'm young and fat. AND APPARENTLY THAT BARS ME FROM EVERY SINGLE GOSHDANG PART I COULD EVER PLAY, EVEN IF IT WAS PRACTICALLY WRITTEN FOR ME! And the worst part is that Rosanna is GOING TO HAVE TO KISS A YOUNG HOT GUY! THAT IS JUST SO MANY FLAVORS OF WRONG THAT YOU COULD PUT IT IN A BLENDER, PRESS PUREE, DRINK IT, AND IT WOULD HAVE THE COMBINED TASTES OF DOG CRAP!
I know I'm ranting, but I can't cry today so I am going to do as much online yelling as I dang well please. Sue me.
Hugz
HM
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alone. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What Should I Do...?
Greetings.
Well, here's the time of year I both dread and anticipate the most: my birthday. It's in less than three weeks. Ally's is in less than a week. And I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. For the past six or seven years, we've had a pool party, barbecued, watched a movie, and opened presents. Easy-peasy, right? But I'm so bored of my birthday. I want to do something I've never done for my birthday this year. Mostly because my past birthdays have been a disaster.
For my fifteenth one, the first person to arrive was over an hour late. It was Joseph. But the thing is no one called to say, "Hey, we're running late." For a whole hour and twenty-two minutes, I thought everyone had forgotten my birthday. I was sitting in my living room with my bathing suit on and sitting in the armchair facing the door. I sat like that, not doing anything else (except cry after the first fifty-five minutes) for an hour and twenty-two minutes. It was awful. I thought the people that I loved most in the world had forgotten me. And then, when the people did show up, only half came and Bennie and I were the only girls. (Not a total loss.) It was Bennie, Joseph, Roland, Freddy, Pauley, Jake, Bentley, Bentley's best friend Toby Brunstedt, and I. That was it. I still had fun, I guess. But I was so very hurt. Everyone RSVP'd that they were coming...
For my sixteenth, we had the pool party, but Claire couldn't make it and we found out that my cousin, Ginger Overstreet, was coming a day late. So it was me, Joesph, Bennie, Pauley, Roland, Nate (I had invited him before we broke up and Bev made me let him come), Toby, Bentley, Joss, Ally, and Colleen. (Ally and Colleen came for about half an hour. Or was that my fourteenth? I forget...) I enjoyed myself. I love my friends. And then on my actual birthday, Bev took Claire, Ginger (who had arrived the day before), and I to Six Flags. I got whatever I wanted because Bev knew that I was really hurt that a lot of the people I invited didn't come again. (koff koff Aaron koff koff Remy koff koff)
But now... what to do? Ally has been pestering me for forever about meeting Joseph (he's the only one of my best friends/sisters she hasn't met yet) and I have been pestering her for forever about finally making it to one of my birthday parties. So we figure we combine the two. But the question is how? I don't like GOING to the movies. (But I like movies at home. I like subtitles. So sue me. But if were up to Bentley, he would.) I figured an enormous dinner or something like that would be good... or bowling. I haven't been bowling in years... Or ice skating. But I don't know if Joseph would like that... He's very picky and stubborn, even when it comes to activities. Uuuuuuuugggggghhhh what do I do? I want all of my friends to come: Pauley, Ally, Colleen, Bentley, Claire, Bennie, Joss, Toby (Bev and Dad make us invite one of the other's friends to birthday parties so they aren't alone), Joseph, and Jake. But I know Jake can't come; he moved out of town a year ago... I cry when I think about him too much. He was one of my best friends. And I don't know about Roland...
Help me!
Hugz
HM
Well, here's the time of year I both dread and anticipate the most: my birthday. It's in less than three weeks. Ally's is in less than a week. And I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. For the past six or seven years, we've had a pool party, barbecued, watched a movie, and opened presents. Easy-peasy, right? But I'm so bored of my birthday. I want to do something I've never done for my birthday this year. Mostly because my past birthdays have been a disaster.
For my fifteenth one, the first person to arrive was over an hour late. It was Joseph. But the thing is no one called to say, "Hey, we're running late." For a whole hour and twenty-two minutes, I thought everyone had forgotten my birthday. I was sitting in my living room with my bathing suit on and sitting in the armchair facing the door. I sat like that, not doing anything else (except cry after the first fifty-five minutes) for an hour and twenty-two minutes. It was awful. I thought the people that I loved most in the world had forgotten me. And then, when the people did show up, only half came and Bennie and I were the only girls. (Not a total loss.) It was Bennie, Joseph, Roland, Freddy, Pauley, Jake, Bentley, Bentley's best friend Toby Brunstedt, and I. That was it. I still had fun, I guess. But I was so very hurt. Everyone RSVP'd that they were coming...
For my sixteenth, we had the pool party, but Claire couldn't make it and we found out that my cousin, Ginger Overstreet, was coming a day late. So it was me, Joesph, Bennie, Pauley, Roland, Nate (I had invited him before we broke up and Bev made me let him come), Toby, Bentley, Joss, Ally, and Colleen. (Ally and Colleen came for about half an hour. Or was that my fourteenth? I forget...) I enjoyed myself. I love my friends. And then on my actual birthday, Bev took Claire, Ginger (who had arrived the day before), and I to Six Flags. I got whatever I wanted because Bev knew that I was really hurt that a lot of the people I invited didn't come again. (koff koff Aaron koff koff Remy koff koff)
But now... what to do? Ally has been pestering me for forever about meeting Joseph (he's the only one of my best friends/sisters she hasn't met yet) and I have been pestering her for forever about finally making it to one of my birthday parties. So we figure we combine the two. But the question is how? I don't like GOING to the movies. (But I like movies at home. I like subtitles. So sue me. But if were up to Bentley, he would.) I figured an enormous dinner or something like that would be good... or bowling. I haven't been bowling in years... Or ice skating. But I don't know if Joseph would like that... He's very picky and stubborn, even when it comes to activities. Uuuuuuuugggggghhhh what do I do? I want all of my friends to come: Pauley, Ally, Colleen, Bentley, Claire, Bennie, Joss, Toby (Bev and Dad make us invite one of the other's friends to birthday parties so they aren't alone), Joseph, and Jake. But I know Jake can't come; he moved out of town a year ago... I cry when I think about him too much. He was one of my best friends. And I don't know about Roland...
Help me!
Hugz
HM
Monday, May 17, 2010
Fans, or the Lack Thereof
Greetings.
I'm sitting here, watching JULIE AND JULIA, and wondering to myself, "Who on Earth is actually READING this?" It's exactly like Julie (Amy Adams) put it; I feel like I'm just sending it out into some sort of void. I mean, I know Ally reads it and Claire reads it from time to time but... that's it! That's absolutely it, that I know of. I know I do this because it's therapeutic. Heck yes, it's therapeutic, I get to whine on my own time and there isn't a force in Hell that can stop me because it is MY blog, MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahakoffkoffkoffkoffkoffhack hack hack koff... yeah, even blog evil laughs take a lot out of you...
But... it would be nice to know, you know, that I'm not alone. One other person in the world who has a Mary June Laramie or a Nate Peck or a Joseph Matthew Morton or even a Freddy-Joss situation... Sometimes, I feel like I can't feel myself anymore... I feel like a different person. I don't know. I feel really like Harmony Margaret Walker's clone or someone else WATCHING my life. This blog helps... But it's lonely sometimes. Cathartic, but lonely.
Nothing especially exciting happened today. Dad sentenced me to job hunting from the time I got out of school, which is 2:30, until 5. Two and a half hours of driving around town looking for something that isn't there. Do you have any idea how much GAS alone that is? Sigh... I spent two and a half hours today alone in my Kermit for what? More job rejections. I haven't heard back from Jamba Juice, you know how I interviewed there last week. If you don't, I interviewed there last week. Twice. They seemed to like me...
But I was alone for two and a half hours, just me and Kermit and I realized something: I only like being alone SOME of the time. Mind you, while my baby Kermit makes a decent enough companion, let's face it, he isn't much of a talker. You know what I really wanted to do? I wanted to ditch all of that and barge in to Joseph's house. I didn't want to go home because I knew if I came home early it would be another fight with my dad and I'd be over at Nana and Gramps's house again. I didn't want to stay out, but I had no choice. I really just wanted to be with friends, Joseph specifically because I knew he would be home... I wanted to sit in Kermit and cry because I felt alone. Is that strange? A young woman sitting in her car, crying. I feel silly just thinking about it.
But you know... perhaps this alone thing isn't as bad as I think it is. Maybe people are reading and they just haven't commented. How would I know? (No one answer that.) So I'll keep writing. If for no one's sake but my own.
Hugz
Harmony Margaret Walker
I'm sitting here, watching JULIE AND JULIA, and wondering to myself, "Who on Earth is actually READING this?" It's exactly like Julie (Amy Adams) put it; I feel like I'm just sending it out into some sort of void. I mean, I know Ally reads it and Claire reads it from time to time but... that's it! That's absolutely it, that I know of. I know I do this because it's therapeutic. Heck yes, it's therapeutic, I get to whine on my own time and there isn't a force in Hell that can stop me because it is MY blog, MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahakoffkoffkoffkoffkoffhack hack hack koff... yeah, even blog evil laughs take a lot out of you...
But... it would be nice to know, you know, that I'm not alone. One other person in the world who has a Mary June Laramie or a Nate Peck or a Joseph Matthew Morton or even a Freddy-Joss situation... Sometimes, I feel like I can't feel myself anymore... I feel like a different person. I don't know. I feel really like Harmony Margaret Walker's clone or someone else WATCHING my life. This blog helps... But it's lonely sometimes. Cathartic, but lonely.
Nothing especially exciting happened today. Dad sentenced me to job hunting from the time I got out of school, which is 2:30, until 5. Two and a half hours of driving around town looking for something that isn't there. Do you have any idea how much GAS alone that is? Sigh... I spent two and a half hours today alone in my Kermit for what? More job rejections. I haven't heard back from Jamba Juice, you know how I interviewed there last week. If you don't, I interviewed there last week. Twice. They seemed to like me...
But I was alone for two and a half hours, just me and Kermit and I realized something: I only like being alone SOME of the time. Mind you, while my baby Kermit makes a decent enough companion, let's face it, he isn't much of a talker. You know what I really wanted to do? I wanted to ditch all of that and barge in to Joseph's house. I didn't want to go home because I knew if I came home early it would be another fight with my dad and I'd be over at Nana and Gramps's house again. I didn't want to stay out, but I had no choice. I really just wanted to be with friends, Joseph specifically because I knew he would be home... I wanted to sit in Kermit and cry because I felt alone. Is that strange? A young woman sitting in her car, crying. I feel silly just thinking about it.
But you know... perhaps this alone thing isn't as bad as I think it is. Maybe people are reading and they just haven't commented. How would I know? (No one answer that.) So I'll keep writing. If for no one's sake but my own.
Hugz
Harmony Margaret Walker
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