The Curiosities of Protection

Greetings.


Why do we protect? Some leftover gene from the days when chivalry was as close to godliness (aside from cleanliness) as one could get? Some sick satisfaction we get from it? A religion? No, I believe that when we have someone/something we love, it is pure animal instinct that we secure it.

Is protecting someone you love or care about worth hurting someone else? The answer this time, however, is undefined.

In the case that someone is pointing a gun at your mom, by all means, smack him on the back of the head with a frying pan. But when it comes to emotional protection, how far do you go? I am no psychologist. I am no counselor. I am a loyal friend and a fierce fighter for my loved ones. I just told Jasper to abandon the movie plan because he's still hung up on Mickie. I told him that unless he is fully committed to the idea of dedicating all of his time to Bennie, then forget it. I told him I wasn't going to help him pry Mickie away from Bentley because if he wants her bad enough, he should grow the balls to do it himself. I think that if he loves her so much, he should just LET HER BE HAPPY. But I know he won't listen. I know he's going to find some way to get into Bennie's heart and then break it three months later when he tells her that he's still not over Mickie. Hopefully he'll have the sense to leave out Mickie's name. But that's exactly the same thing I did to Victor, my first real boyfriend. (See "My Love Life Part 3: Victor Hausen") I was still kind of hung up on Freddy and Aaron and I strung him along for almost three months. For what? I cried my eyes out because I felt horrible for using a perfectly nice guy. Victor went into a deep funk because he thought everything I had told him was a lie, and Aaron and Freddy felt guilty that they were the cause of so much unhappiness. I hurt four people in one blow. And Jasper is about to do the same. So I felt I had to do something. Otherwise the guilt would torment me for years to come.

I still don't know how far you go to protect someone. But I know I'll go as far as it takes for no one to get hurt. And if I hurt someone in the process, I have failed. I like to think I am a selfless person in one respect: I will protect anyone I love with everything that I have, but if I save someone else from pain even if it causes my heart to suffer, I will live with it. I will sacrifice my own pleasure, for the most part, for someone else, or even more than one, to find love and happiness. And I'd like to think that my reprimand of Jasper helped someone. Maybe not me, maybe not him, but maybe Bennie, Mickie, and Bentley. I won't know until I receive that hysterical phone call/brother in my room if I have helped anyone.

But I hope I did.


Hugz
HM

Finals: Day 2

Greetings.


Yesterday, I had two finals that weren't really finals. AP English was just our AP test so we all got automatic A pluses. And then I had choir and we just watched our final projects. So, no real finals. Soooooooo easy. I miss Chase. I miss not seeing him every day.

Okay I have my guest list for my party. Submit it for your approval: Claire, Ally, Bennie, Joss, Joseph, Jasper, Pauley, Bentley, Bentley's best friend Toby, Freddy, Chase, Ernie, and my friend from when I went to church briefly named Eve Knightly. (And don't go pronouncing her name all WALL-E like, it's "Eev" not "Eevah", okay?) I don't know how many people will come. And I onlycare if my four sisters and Joseph show. But I really want Pauley to be there. He's one of my oldest friends form way before I met Bennie, Joss, and Joseph. His mom was my second grade teacher. That's how far back we go, even farther, really, to preschool. So technically I knew him before I met Claire too... And truthfully I wish so very much that Jake could be here. Jake moved to a city two and a half hours from me and I miss him dreadfully...

And I've decided against inviting Remy and Aaron. I've learned my lesson. No more trusting them. But I will still keep them in my thoughts. And thinking about Aaron doesn't hurt anymore. I'm growing, I guess. Joss and Freddy, on the other hand... gotta work on that. I'm still torn as to whether or not I should invite Stan. I only know him because of Bennie and I know Bev won't be that enthusiastic about me having my friends' boyfriends over ever since Veteran's Day, 2008. (Did I ever tell that story?) Freddy is my friend so I can invite him and Dad loves fencing with him. But I don't know Stan all that well. I hope he won't take it personally...

Now that I think about it, maybe Chase and Ernie aren't the best ideas... I'll ask them if they would want to come. Yeah, that's a good plan. =)


Hugz
HM
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GINGER OVERSTREET!!! I LOVE YOU, COUSIN!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Mood Swings and Sadie Hawkins

Greetings.

You know how guys are always complaining about us girls and our mood swings? Well guess what: We have our reasons to be moody. I have observed several times that guys just don't take in what's around them. They, unfortunately, don't communicate or conversate unless their wives/fiancés/girlfriends have them trained like that piano-playing cat. Girls, on the other hand, take in too much. We notice details, listen, converse at twice the speed of light. We baffle our male counterparts. And we have mood swings because we absorb so much.
Mood swings are very common for me. I'm a level one bipolar. It means I can go from happy to sad in milliseconds. I mean, you could say a single sentence and I fall apart. Or you could say, "Nice hair, HM," and I get all happy. I noticed this during second period choir. Joss, Bennie, Chase, and I were playing BS and I was in one hell of a bad mood. And then out of nowhere, I felt really good. And then as soon as Joss mentioned Freddy and the fact that Saturday is the Sadie Hawkins dance, I got all depressed again. Joss, who is going with Freddy, wants Bennie to go with Stan and for me to go with someone. I don't have anyone and I don't want to go stag. Heck, I don't really want to go at all. When you're an overweight white girl who can't dance unless she has her eyes closed or unless someone has given her the choreography, dances are in the Top 10 Places You Never Want to Set Foot In. Besides, I'd prefer if they did their double date alone. When I had Nate or Vic or Wayne, I hope I didn't brag too much. I mean, they didn't go to my school so the only way to keep them with me was to talk about them, but now I'm on the other side and I really hate it. What's worse, there's two of them and I'm the only one left out. Mind you, I know who I want to ask to Sadie Hawkins. But Joseph hates dancing and pop music and basically everything at a dance.
I am so screwed. More as my psychomania develops.

Hugz
HM

Tradition (á la Fiddler on the Roof)

Greetings.

Well, I have mixed feelings about today. Freddy didn't come to lunch today and make me feel unwanted. We played BS; Emma won, and then Bennie and I tied. No homework. Gamer's Club was fun, but both Freddy and Joss were there so I didn't want to stay long... I mean, I brought her to Gamer's Club, knowing he would be there, and then I want to cry about it. What is WRONG with me?
Also today I continued the Joseph Birthday Tradition: embarrass him all morning and then give him something sweet for lunch. Freshman year, I had the class sing to him in every class we had together and then I gave him one of those personalized gigantic cookies they sell at Albertson's. Sophomore year, I had the entire cafeteria sing to him (oh, how he hated me) and then gave him my secret recipe brownies that he actually likes. This year, I wrote "Happy Birthday, Joseph" on the board in his first period, which just so happens to be Señor de Soto. He made the class sing to him in Spanish and made Joseph wear this hat that people in Chile wear. It looks like a sombrero and a cowboy hat had a love child. Señor de Soto made him wear it all period. Joseph was really not happy this year, but not as bad as sophomore year. I made it up to him by getting him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant in town, a Tex-Mex place called Jackson's, I think. And then I tortured him by tickling him. He hates it when I do that but he always says "Stop it!" with a cute little smile. He also tried to poke me and get me to jump (which is how I tickle him) but he didn't succeed. I'm not ticklish. And he knows it.
I always tell Ally about my dat. Heck, she reads this blog. She thinks I'm getting closer with Joseph. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel better.
That's it for now. I shall write a review of Bentley's show later when I get back home. (I have a very bad feeling about this...)

Hugz
HM

War Is Hell, Love Even More So.

Greetings.

Aunt Pearl. TOM. Friend from down south. Glasses. War. "It" is called many things. And "It" came for me today. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Basically, today sucked. I was supposed to meet Stan for tutoring and he never showed. I went into the library and found out why: There was a Link Crew meeting. So I went back to the dreaded lunch table. Normally, I love my table. I love my friends dearly. I like Lucky, Emma, and Pete sometimes too, Emma more than the boys. But... Freddy has been there. With Joss. And, while I am ecstatic that Joss is happy after whining for the last few weeks about how she wants a boyfriend (though she said someone who was OLDER than her, she distinctly said older; she'll be 19 in October [she's Korean so she got held back until she learned English] and he's turning 17, I think, in August, I think) WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM???????????? Did she NOT SEE what happened to me?????????????????? Ugh, calm down, Harmony Margaret. Deep breaths. (inhales, exhales) He isn't yours. (inhale, exhale) They are free to make their own choices/mistakes. (sigh) But it still feels like someone is punching me when I see them and my nose starts to burn painfully, a clear personal sign that means I am about to cry.
So I went back to the lunch table. The two of them were there, acting, to use a word I should be called a hypocrite for, stupid and coupley. Joseph, Joss, Lucky, Bennie, Emma, Freddy, and Pete were playing BS, having fun, laughing, cheating... without me. My nose burned and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run, out of the cafeteria, out of the school, out to my car, and drive. Just drive. I had to run, drive, and think. And cry. That's important too, crying. I feel so stupid acting like this. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. And I feel... second best to Bennie and Joss's boyfriends.
I almost did bolt. I swear I did. But then Joseph saw me and said, "Hey, HM, you wanna play?" I felt better because I remembered that I was Joseph's number one girl, though not in the sense I would like. I'm his best female friend. And then Bennie and Joss were all "Come on, HM!" so I played some BS with them. (Joseph won twice.)
On the way to class (Joseph and I walked together like we always did because our classes are in the same direction from the cafeteria), Joseph asked, "Do you have anything planned for tomorrow at lunch?"
I said, "No. Why?"
He said, "I dunno." I smiled.
"Joey, do you miss me?" (I only call him Joey when I am feeling extra affectionate toward him. I prefer Joseph because it fits his persona better than Joey.)
"Yeah. That, and I was wondering if you were bringing a giant cookie again." He was referring to his birthday (which is on Sunday) and how every year I bring treats. Last year, I even threw him a surprise party. You know those MasterCard commercials where they tell you the price of things? Well, Joseph's face: Priceless. Anyways, freshman year, I had brought I gigantic chocolate chip cookie. This was back when Freddy was in our Fantastic Four and we didn't know Joss yet so it was Bennie, Joseph, Freddy, and I.
I laughed and said, "I hadn't even thought of that until your just said it."
So I got him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant and I think they only have this restaurant where I live, I don't know... But yeah, I got him a piece of cake.
Other than that... I hated today. I just want to sit back and cry. But I can't; I hate when I cry and Bev can hear me. I hate having her pry into my life. That's what Claire is for.

Hugz
HM

The Paradox of Love and AP Testing

Greetings.

As I described in "My Love Life Part Two: Freddy Ackerby", Freddy broke my heart into a thousand miniscule pieces and sent me into a spiral of depression, causing me to seek solace in food products and gain 40 pounds.
And now he's dating my sister Joss. (I'm not worried about the fat part; she's got the best metabolism in the world, matched only by her new boyfriend.)
Let me explain. I had my AP English Language and Composition test today. (Every school in the nation who offers that class did.) I got to school that morning with the remnants of a terrible nightmare (my physics teacher, Mr. Reuben, revealed, during our final exam, that he was a cannibal by taking a member of the class into the room next door and splitting them with the Bennie's physics teacher, Mr. Graves. I finished my exam and then bolted out of the classroom, making sure to grab Bennie on the way. Then we ran by Joss and Joseph's classroom, bolted to my car, and drove FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.) and what was left of the review my English class had gone over the previous day. And then, when I got to the table that Bennie, Joss, Stan, Claire, her friends, Chase Fuller, Ernie Rodham, Louisa Tyler, and Kira Pulliam, and I share in the mornings to find that Joss and Bennie were discussing me. Weird. But not as weird as them revealing that Joss, indeed, was dating Freddy. The irony: I was just laughing at the impossibility of that happening (like seriously rolling on the floor laughing, so not kidding) yesterday with our friends in choir.
That kept me nice and distracted during the AP exam. Not a good thing to be distracted during. But the test was SO easy that I finished it easily and I think I may get at least a 4. So, no big. (10/1/10: I got a 5, by the way)
At lunch, though, I kept feeling as if I wanted to cry. I had to sit NEXT TO THEM. They had linked arms. They were being... well... the same way he and I were sophomore year. I couldn't take it. As soon as I finished lunch, I beat a hasty retreat to my Spanish teacher, Señor de Soto's, room, given that that was my next class. Even though I was ten minutes early. (AP test, a morning thing, had let out halfway through lunch.)
I know Freddy isn't mine. He hasn't been mine for over a year now. But... He was the first guy I truly cared about. More than Aaron. He was the first guy to truly appreciate me. Call me beautiful. Treat me special. Ignore the fact that I was physically imperfect and try to get to know the real me. The first to truly break my heart. And it still hurts. There's a bruise on my heart. I thought it had gone away... But the memory of how he treated me is still there. And now he's got Joss. What if he does the same thing to her? I threatened him, in a way.
I looked up at him (he's six-six, I'm five-five) and said, "If you break her heart the same way you broke mine, your stepmother will look like Mother Teresa because I will be on you like a John Deere riding mower on grass. You are no longer my priority. Joss is. And if you hurt her in ANY way, make her cry at ANY time, I swear, there will be Hell to pay."
I guess I did threaten him. Oh well. He deserved it.
On the bright side, I had an interview at Jamba Juice and it went pretty well. I may get the job. More details to follow.

Hugz
HM

My Love Life Part Two: Freddy Ackerby

Greetings.

Onward into my life.
Freddy Ackerby and I met when I transferred to Bennie's school. He had just transferred there too. He gazed on me from afar (I looked better back then) and developed a crush on me. The feeling was not returned.
Freshman year, he was alone. So I invited him to sit at the table with Bennie, Joseph, and I. Now, Bennie and Joseph had just met themselves and now I was adding a SUPER tall gawky relative stranger into the mix. I was asking for trouble. But surprisingly none came. Freddy and Joseph (whom I have known for approximately six years) hit it off imeediately with their shared love of sci-fi and video games. Bennie and Joseph got along when he wasn't reading, Freddy and she got along well, and I was feeling very proud of myself. Then Bennie asked the dreaded question: "Do you still like Harmony Margaret?" she asked one day. Freddy looked straight at me and said, "Yes." I was flattered, but I still was head-over-heels for Aaron. Or so I thought.
April Fool's Day, I kissed him on the cheek as a dare. (I think Bennie still has the video...) That sparked a revelation: I liked Freddy. He was sweet, tall, smart but lazy, funny, caring. The ideal TEENAGED guy. We bonded over the summer. I went away for my job like I had been doing since I was eleven and he came over every time I came home for the day. He called me every day. He asked me to homecoming. I was in heaven. I liked him and he liked me. I loved the attention, the first romantic attention I had ever gotten. It was bliss. Short-lived bliss, at any rate.
Around late September, it started crumbling. He told me that he had developed feelings for Bennie and that he wanted to ask her to winter formal. I was crushed. (Thank God she said no.) He came later that day, apologized, and asked me to go. I said yes but I wanted to be left alone. (It wasn't going to happen; Joseph and Bennie came and found us. Bennie was very worried and Joseph, despite his robotic demeanor, was even concerned.)
Then on October 7th, Bentley and soon-to-be-best-friend/sister Joss's birthday, he sat me down and said he didn't like me like that anymore. I was brave. That whole day I was in shock. I felt nothing. Then the next morning I crashed. I cried and cried and cried and cried all morning. Bennie, Aaron, Claire, and a few others tried to console me. Freddy said he didn't know why I was being so crazy. It hurt. He smashed my heart, my vulnerable first-love heart into little tiny pieces and he didn't know what he had done wrong. I wanted to hit him.
He got a girlfriend later in late November, early December. And I got a boyfriend a few days after the incident. (Find out more in Part Three: Victor Hausen.) I guess we're still friends. I don't hate him. But on October 7th, every year, I will remind him how he hurt me. At least, until the pain goes away...
To be continued.

Hugz
HM