Screwed Up

Greetings.


Okay, I feel really screwed up right now. My parents are trying to ship me off to the shrink I had back during my Suicide Year, Dr. Craig, and now Bentley's missing school tomorrow because he has to go too. Something about his weight. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BENTLEY, YOU'RE THIN AND GORGEOUS AND NICE AND KIND AND EVERYONE FRICKING LOVES YOU (except for those bungholes who call him gay at school) SO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!!!!!!! But, no, Bents gets to skip school to go powwow with the Doc while I schlepp back and forth from tutoring to school to (ugh) home.

I really don't like home right now. I feel fine everywhere else. I feel good at SCHOOL. Yeah. I said it. I don't understand why Bentley is having a hard time. He is thin, he has a great metabolism, he has a pretty girl who's gaga for him, and he has good friends who care about him. Plus, he's got a sister who would love to listen to him if he talked to her. What's the problem? He doesn't eat much. That's it! He doesn't have an appetite beyond Cheddar Goldfish, chocolate cake batter, and raw vegetables. While I am worried for Bentley, shouldn't they be more worried about him if he were ballooning up like Violet Beauregard? (OH GOOD GOD MY BRAIN MY BRAIN! OH GOOD LORD ERASE THAT IMAGE FROM MY MIND FOREVER!) (For those of you who do not know, I have an acute fear of WILLY WONKA/CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!)

Moving on. (Shudder) I don't want to see the doc. I want to learn to be a functional adult without leaning on meds or whatever crap he's going to do to me. I outgrew that years ago. But my parents say I have anger issues (true, but only around them. HMMMM.), I'm distant (HMMMMM.), and I am moody. (FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY! I! HATE! IT! HERE!) No one is happy, we're always fighting, we're on the brink of fiscal ruin, and EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP! I look back at old photos of me when I was five and say to myself in the picture, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN, LITTLE GIRL! IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE!" The same thing happens when I see a picture of Bentley around the same age.

Why is this all happening too us? Karma? (ha ha) I don't know. And frankly I really don't want to stick around here long enough to figure out why. I am going to community college, moving out, and then going to real college where I shall live in an apartment with Bennie and Joss, then graduate, publish a book, become rich, and spend the rest of my life happily married to Joseph with my son/daughter while teaching English at Horizon High School and never having to worry about money.

Happy happy happy. Can I fast forward my life, please???? Or at least get a Clarence the Angel to show me if any of my dreams come true????


Hugz
HM

One Week

Greetings.


Well, it's exactly one week from my birthday. Major psychage. I'll be seventeen. It's weird; the teen years are supposed to be definitive, a special event every year. 13: you're officially a teen. 14: you enter high school. 15: you get your permit. 16: you get your license. 18: you're an adult and you can vote. But 17 isn't as special or marked by something fascinating. Maybe it's the year where you can transport minors in California, but I don't know about other states. 17 is what I have dubbed the "blah year". Some of us graduate high school that year, and that's something, but the majority is 18.

Either way, it's one week away from my "blah year". I wonder what presents I'll get. All of my friends know this about me: I'm as impatient to get presents as I am to give them. I love giving presents as much as I love getting them. Christmas is an emotional overload for me, don't even get me started. But my birthday... it kind of lacks the joy I get for giving presents too. It's weird really. Luckily, Nana's birthday is three days before mine and cousin Ginger's is three days before Nana's. So I have SOME gift-giving opportunities. The problem: I never know what to get Ginger. She's flamboyant, larger than life, and provocative in her own way. She's awesome and I love her but because we have such different personalities, I never know what to give her. Nana is easy: art supplies, rom-coms, and Liam Neeson. (ha ha. Maybe i was thinking wishfully. I know I wouldn't mind Liam for MY birthday. I <3 British accents and Qui-Gon Jin. I'm a goner.)

But I don't know... maybe it's because "blah year" is coming, I am not as excited for my birthday as I usually am. I was reluctant to have a party, most likely because I hate seeing how many people don't care if they come or not (see "What Should I Do...?" from 5/19/10), and I just... don't feel it anymore. You know? That wonderful birthday vibe that kids exude naturally and a self-conscious women turning thirty has to fake. Maybe I'm worried about getting older. You know how, when you're a kid, you want to grow up?

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

The future frightens me, and a birthday is just a stepping stone to that fear, I guess. But the presents help. =)


Hugz
HM