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Greetings.


I have been going to church consistently for almost a year now. I have become a fixture there (it's a small church) especially with the kids, whom I adore.I love spending quality time with Joseph and I like having fun with Petrie. Nana and I talk more and I am getting to know more people.

However there is one thing that bothers me. People - not necessarily at church but who have known me for a while - ask me, "Hey, HM, do you feel closer to God now?" And I don't know how to answer them simply or aloud. I figured since I am a little more articulate in writing I'd try and tackle it here. Here goes nothing.

Do I feel closer to God? The answer is... I don't know. I am certainly closer than I was a while ago, especially during middle school. I cut off my faith in God completely then. I stopped praying, stopped believing that anyone, even the God I put so much stock in before, cared about me and what happened to me. I reasoned he wasn't there for me at all. I wasn't atheist, I don't think. I thought he was still there, but I just didn't want anything to do with someone or something that didn't care about me.

High school... was complicated. God didn't play as much of a role there. I went to public school now. No mandatory chapel services every Thursday, no uniforms, no Bible classes. I had time in eighth grade to adjust - I had no clue how to dress; I mean, I wore bright pink bell bottoms with multi-colored flowers and a pink horizontally-striped shirt on my first day of school at Eileen Herald Memorial Junior High - but high school was just kind of blank in the God department.

Then Ginger came last year. Even though she has more of a... reputation than I do, she is a devout Christian and we had to find a church we could go to while she was visiting. We chose Grammy's because she had said before that it was small and Joseph went there. Ginger wanted to meet Joseph and I wanted to hang out with him.

Yes, I went back to church because of a guy. I am so evil.

But over time I got to enjoy it. I worked in Sunday school in the morning and went to youth service after Sunday school. A couple of times Joseph joined me in Sunday school and he always plays bass for the youth service.

Bottom line: I am closer to God, but not as close as I was when I was little. I miss that. But I still have doubts and fears. Like, I am afraid of the Rapture and death. But I stick up for creationism every chance I get. ;)


Hugz and Prayerz
HM