Greetings.
I have been going to church consistently for almost a year now. I have become a fixture there (it's a small church) especially with the kids, whom I adore.I love spending quality time with Joseph and I like having fun with Petrie. Nana and I talk more and I am getting to know more people.
However there is one thing that bothers me. People - not necessarily at church but who have known me for a while - ask me, "Hey, HM, do you feel closer to God now?" And I don't know how to answer them simply or aloud. I figured since I am a little more articulate in writing I'd try and tackle it here. Here goes nothing.
Do I feel closer to God? The answer is... I don't know. I am certainly closer than I was a while ago, especially during middle school. I cut off my faith in God completely then. I stopped praying, stopped believing that anyone, even the God I put so much stock in before, cared about me and what happened to me. I reasoned he wasn't there for me at all. I wasn't atheist, I don't think. I thought he was still there, but I just didn't want anything to do with someone or something that didn't care about me.
High school... was complicated. God didn't play as much of a role there. I went to public school now. No mandatory chapel services every Thursday, no uniforms, no Bible classes. I had time in eighth grade to adjust - I had no clue how to dress; I mean, I wore bright pink bell bottoms with multi-colored flowers and a pink horizontally-striped shirt on my first day of school at Eileen Herald Memorial Junior High - but high school was just kind of blank in the God department.
Then Ginger came last year. Even though she has more of a... reputation than I do, she is a devout Christian and we had to find a church we could go to while she was visiting. We chose Grammy's because she had said before that it was small and Joseph went there. Ginger wanted to meet Joseph and I wanted to hang out with him.
Yes, I went back to church because of a guy. I am so evil.
But over time I got to enjoy it. I worked in Sunday school in the morning and went to youth service after Sunday school. A couple of times Joseph joined me in Sunday school and he always plays bass for the youth service.
Bottom line: I am closer to God, but not as close as I was when I was little. I miss that. But I still have doubts and fears. Like, I am afraid of the Rapture and death. But I stick up for creationism every chance I get. ;)
Hugz and Prayerz
HM
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Pretty Okay
Greetings.
Yesterday was pretty cool. I went to church and hung out with the babies, my little two- and three-year-olds. Alison and Fritz were so precious. They even helped me color a get well card for Nana. Petrie and I hung out for a bit, then I had to take Joseph home. We went by Borders, got a couple of books REALLY on sale because the Borders in our town is closing, and then we drove through places for lunch. He got Wendy's and I got Burger King. I dropped him off, but he invited me in so I could finish my sandwich. I went in, ate, and was about to leave when he asked me to watch some of these parody videos that he is so fond of. Team Four Star - TFS - does these DragonBallZ parodies that are pretty funny. I have only seen the first ten episodes, but it's pretty funny.
Okay, so we watched the first ten episodes and I figured I had stayed this long so might as well play video games. I watched him play "Call of DUty: Black Ops" (much to my later regret) and then he finished the level - which was our deal - fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave so we got in as much of our game as we could. Beforehand, as he was playing CoD, I was lying behind his head and smelling his hair again. It smells like soap and some sort of light fruit. Then while it was a bloody part, he covered my eyes and sat next to me. It was sweet.
But otherwise, these last couple days have been a bit mundane. Oh well. God bless our troops. (Sorry, it was on my mind.)
Hugz
HM
Yesterday was pretty cool. I went to church and hung out with the babies, my little two- and three-year-olds. Alison and Fritz were so precious. They even helped me color a get well card for Nana. Petrie and I hung out for a bit, then I had to take Joseph home. We went by Borders, got a couple of books REALLY on sale because the Borders in our town is closing, and then we drove through places for lunch. He got Wendy's and I got Burger King. I dropped him off, but he invited me in so I could finish my sandwich. I went in, ate, and was about to leave when he asked me to watch some of these parody videos that he is so fond of. Team Four Star - TFS - does these DragonBallZ parodies that are pretty funny. I have only seen the first ten episodes, but it's pretty funny.
Okay, so we watched the first ten episodes and I figured I had stayed this long so might as well play video games. I watched him play "Call of DUty: Black Ops" (much to my later regret) and then he finished the level - which was our deal - fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave so we got in as much of our game as we could. Beforehand, as he was playing CoD, I was lying behind his head and smelling his hair again. It smells like soap and some sort of light fruit. Then while it was a bloody part, he covered my eyes and sat next to me. It was sweet.
But otherwise, these last couple days have been a bit mundane. Oh well. God bless our troops. (Sorry, it was on my mind.)
Hugz
HM
Saturday, April 9, 2011
BEST BEST BEST BEST BEST DREAM EVER!
Greetings.
I had the absolute BEST dream last night. I was in HEAVEN, so much so that I refused to wake up. That is, until the dream stopped...
Okay, it's completely nonsensical, but try and follow. I didn't really get it either. Here goes:
We - Joseph, Claire, William Gottfried, Ernie Rodham, and I - were playing Dungeons and Dragons and I was a fairy. (Just go with it. The only thing that they can do is heal people and cast spells, good for long-range combat.) Anyways, there was some complication where all five of us got sucked into the game board and I was captured by the bad guy. Well, long story short, the others rescued me and we got out of the board. Since Joseph was the one who did most of the rescuing, I pounced on him - I didn't knock him over, but I knocked him back a couple of steps and wrapped my arms around him - and kissed him in appreciation. He was surprised, to say the least, but when I released him, he grabbed me and kissed me again. Then I had a flashforward to a few months later. We were watching a movie and we were sitting on the floor. I was laying in between his legs and we were holding hands. Every once in a while he would kiss the top of my head. It was so nice.
I wanted to stay there forever, but unfortunately dreams have to melt away, and mine did. When I woke up, i wanted to cry because I was frustrated with my subconscious. Why couldn't I stay in that happy place forever? That's usually the bad part about good dreams: you want to hurt something when you wake up from them.
Hugz
HM
I had the absolute BEST dream last night. I was in HEAVEN, so much so that I refused to wake up. That is, until the dream stopped...
Okay, it's completely nonsensical, but try and follow. I didn't really get it either. Here goes:
We - Joseph, Claire, William Gottfried, Ernie Rodham, and I - were playing Dungeons and Dragons and I was a fairy. (Just go with it. The only thing that they can do is heal people and cast spells, good for long-range combat.) Anyways, there was some complication where all five of us got sucked into the game board and I was captured by the bad guy. Well, long story short, the others rescued me and we got out of the board. Since Joseph was the one who did most of the rescuing, I pounced on him - I didn't knock him over, but I knocked him back a couple of steps and wrapped my arms around him - and kissed him in appreciation. He was surprised, to say the least, but when I released him, he grabbed me and kissed me again. Then I had a flashforward to a few months later. We were watching a movie and we were sitting on the floor. I was laying in between his legs and we were holding hands. Every once in a while he would kiss the top of my head. It was so nice.
I wanted to stay there forever, but unfortunately dreams have to melt away, and mine did. When I woke up, i wanted to cry because I was frustrated with my subconscious. Why couldn't I stay in that happy place forever? That's usually the bad part about good dreams: you want to hurt something when you wake up from them.
Hugz
HM
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Worried... To Say the Least
Greetings.
Nothing is going right this week. I stayed the night at Gramps and Nana's last night, Dad and I fought yesterday about the stupidest thing - seriously, he just snapped at me for NOTHING - Joseph and I had a fight earlier today...
But none of that is as important as what's on my mind now. Nana is in the hospital. Everyone's saying "Oh, she's fine, she just needs medicine from and IV, that's all." Bull. Never in my life do I remember Nana being in the hospital. She was sick when I stayed there yesterday - diverticulosis, or something like that, I think I spelled it right. And she was in pain. But... today she was checked into the hospital by HER DOCTOR. That's the doom flag right there. That's like a newscaster saying, "A hurricane has been spotted off the coast of- PANIC! PANIC! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!"
I don't want to sleep. What if she calls and needs me? I know the chances are slim, but I don't want to risk it. Nana was there when I was born. She's who I run to. She understands me better than my parents. She's fun. She's my rock. I need my Nana. And though everyone tells me that she's going to be fine, I can't help having this gut feeling that something's wrong! Something is going to go wrong and I can't help feeling that way. I am scared for my Nana. I don't want to sleep. I want to go to the hospital and sit in her room and watch her, maybe sleep there.
I'm scared. That's not enough to describe it. Excuse my French in advance: I am damn terrified.
Prayerz
HM
Nothing is going right this week. I stayed the night at Gramps and Nana's last night, Dad and I fought yesterday about the stupidest thing - seriously, he just snapped at me for NOTHING - Joseph and I had a fight earlier today...
But none of that is as important as what's on my mind now. Nana is in the hospital. Everyone's saying "Oh, she's fine, she just needs medicine from and IV, that's all." Bull. Never in my life do I remember Nana being in the hospital. She was sick when I stayed there yesterday - diverticulosis, or something like that, I think I spelled it right. And she was in pain. But... today she was checked into the hospital by HER DOCTOR. That's the doom flag right there. That's like a newscaster saying, "A hurricane has been spotted off the coast of- PANIC! PANIC! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!"
I don't want to sleep. What if she calls and needs me? I know the chances are slim, but I don't want to risk it. Nana was there when I was born. She's who I run to. She understands me better than my parents. She's fun. She's my rock. I need my Nana. And though everyone tells me that she's going to be fine, I can't help having this gut feeling that something's wrong! Something is going to go wrong and I can't help feeling that way. I am scared for my Nana. I don't want to sleep. I want to go to the hospital and sit in her room and watch her, maybe sleep there.
I'm scared. That's not enough to describe it. Excuse my French in advance: I am damn terrified.
Prayerz
HM
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Stupid Thing I Did Today
Greetings.
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Why? I don't know.
Greetings.
Okay, for those of you who CAN'T see the timestamp on this, I'm writing this at 3:13 a.m. Why? I'm stressing and it's REALLY hot in my house. OKay, let's go with the stressing. I applied for my community college in February. I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM! I am worried, no BEYOND worried. I have a back-up - a college in New Orleans - but frankly I am scared of New Orleans ever since Hurricane Katrina. I know that's kind of stupid, but THEY GET HURRICANES A LOT. Aunt Gia and Uncle Buzz live there and I could stay with them but I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was 10 years old. I wouldn't want to burden them like that. Their house was one of the ones damaged. It wasn't completely destroyed - my uncle's an engineer for the Navy so he designed it to endure anything - but it was still damaged as well as the place where Gia works. So, yeah, New Orleans is bad.
I am stressing about the community college. Someone come visit me in the nuthouse.
Hugz
HM
P.S. I didn't get to April Fool anyone this year... Wah.
Okay, for those of you who CAN'T see the timestamp on this, I'm writing this at 3:13 a.m. Why? I'm stressing and it's REALLY hot in my house. OKay, let's go with the stressing. I applied for my community college in February. I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM! I am worried, no BEYOND worried. I have a back-up - a college in New Orleans - but frankly I am scared of New Orleans ever since Hurricane Katrina. I know that's kind of stupid, but THEY GET HURRICANES A LOT. Aunt Gia and Uncle Buzz live there and I could stay with them but I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was 10 years old. I wouldn't want to burden them like that. Their house was one of the ones damaged. It wasn't completely destroyed - my uncle's an engineer for the Navy so he designed it to endure anything - but it was still damaged as well as the place where Gia works. So, yeah, New Orleans is bad.
I am stressing about the community college. Someone come visit me in the nuthouse.
Hugz
HM
P.S. I didn't get to April Fool anyone this year... Wah.
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