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Greetings.


I have been going to church consistently for almost a year now. I have become a fixture there (it's a small church) especially with the kids, whom I adore.I love spending quality time with Joseph and I like having fun with Petrie. Nana and I talk more and I am getting to know more people.

However there is one thing that bothers me. People - not necessarily at church but who have known me for a while - ask me, "Hey, HM, do you feel closer to God now?" And I don't know how to answer them simply or aloud. I figured since I am a little more articulate in writing I'd try and tackle it here. Here goes nothing.

Do I feel closer to God? The answer is... I don't know. I am certainly closer than I was a while ago, especially during middle school. I cut off my faith in God completely then. I stopped praying, stopped believing that anyone, even the God I put so much stock in before, cared about me and what happened to me. I reasoned he wasn't there for me at all. I wasn't atheist, I don't think. I thought he was still there, but I just didn't want anything to do with someone or something that didn't care about me.

High school... was complicated. God didn't play as much of a role there. I went to public school now. No mandatory chapel services every Thursday, no uniforms, no Bible classes. I had time in eighth grade to adjust - I had no clue how to dress; I mean, I wore bright pink bell bottoms with multi-colored flowers and a pink horizontally-striped shirt on my first day of school at Eileen Herald Memorial Junior High - but high school was just kind of blank in the God department.

Then Ginger came last year. Even though she has more of a... reputation than I do, she is a devout Christian and we had to find a church we could go to while she was visiting. We chose Grammy's because she had said before that it was small and Joseph went there. Ginger wanted to meet Joseph and I wanted to hang out with him.

Yes, I went back to church because of a guy. I am so evil.

But over time I got to enjoy it. I worked in Sunday school in the morning and went to youth service after Sunday school. A couple of times Joseph joined me in Sunday school and he always plays bass for the youth service.

Bottom line: I am closer to God, but not as close as I was when I was little. I miss that. But I still have doubts and fears. Like, I am afraid of the Rapture and death. But I stick up for creationism every chance I get. ;)


Hugz and Prayerz
HM

Pretty Okay

Greetings.


Yesterday was pretty cool. I went to church and hung out with the babies, my little two- and three-year-olds. Alison and Fritz were so precious. They even helped me color a get well card for Nana. Petrie and I hung out for a bit, then I had to take Joseph home. We went by Borders, got a couple of books REALLY on sale because the Borders in our town is closing, and then we drove through places for lunch. He got Wendy's and I got Burger King. I dropped him off, but he invited me in so I could finish my sandwich. I went in, ate, and was about to leave when he asked me to watch some of these parody videos that he is so fond of. Team Four Star - TFS - does these DragonBallZ parodies that are pretty funny. I have only seen the first ten episodes, but it's pretty funny.

Okay, so we watched the first ten episodes and I figured I had stayed this long so might as well play video games. I watched him play "Call of DUty: Black Ops" (much to my later regret) and then he finished the level - which was our deal - fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave so we got in as much of our game as we could. Beforehand, as he was playing CoD, I was lying behind his head and smelling his hair again. It smells like soap and some sort of light fruit. Then while it was a bloody part, he covered my eyes and sat next to me. It was sweet.

But otherwise, these last couple days have been a bit mundane. Oh well. God bless our troops. (Sorry, it was on my mind.)


Hugz
HM

Christmas... and Scroogedom

Greetings.


Bev has a Christmas complex. I swear. She insists, the SECOND that Thanksgiving is over, that Christmas is ushered in. She set up the Christmas tree THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. It's like, "Hey. pig out, eat the food! 12:01 a.m.? Oh, no! JESUS WILL BE MAD AT ME IF I DON'T SET UP THE TREE RIGHT THIS SECOND!" Yes, that's pretty much what she's like. She loves Christmas. Like, she would cheat on Dad with it if she could.

I love Christmas too. WHEN IT'S FRICKING DECEMBER!!!!!!!!! It's not even December and we're suiting up for Christmas. Does anyone else think that this is wrong? For one, Jesus's birthday was in the SUMMER. But let's ignore that for a moment. Aren't there supposed to be twelve days of Christmas? So why are we starting to prepare for it twelve WEEKS before it?

I guess you could call me a Scrooge - humbug and all that - but truthfully, I haven't really felt the Christmas spirit in a long time. Sure I feel good on Christmas Day and the presents are nice. But I can't remember what the Christmas Spirit feels like. I remember I used to have it... then poof. One year it was gone. Maybe it was during the worst year of my life - seventh grade, age 12 - that I lost it. I'm watching even THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC and he has great Christmas cheer. The biggest cynic I know loves Christmas. What does that make me? Oh, my gosh...

I am Scrooge! I'm seriously Scrooge! He had Christmas spirit with his sister Fan and Fezziwig and Belle and then he lost it and became a rich miser! I'M FRICKING SCROOGE! (except I'm not rich) Dude, I need some GHOSTS. I need help! HELP ME, SOMEONE! Oh, Lord!

On a related note, I have been asked to play a part in the Dove Creek Bible Church's Christmas show. Maybe that will help me get my spirit back. I used to be in play all the time at my old church - Southington Heights Christian Church, the mother organization to Southington Heights Christian Academy - and I loved it.

And now for something completely different. I had the worst nightmare last night. I dreamt that Joseph was on a date WITH A GUY FROM MY THEATER TROUPE (I am unsure if the guy from my troupe is gay or not) NAMED GARRISON OTTEN. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I HAVE NO CHRISTMAS SPIRIT AND I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE GUY I LOVE AS A GAY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE GET ME SOME PSYCHIATRIC HELP!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up in a cold sweat, I was so freaked out. Mind you I was only asleep for an hour last night, I crap you not, mostly because I was stupid enough to watch the Nostalgia Critic's Old vs. New of WILLY WONKA/CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

Guess what I have a pathological fear of. Yep. The fricking Blueberry in those movies.

I am going to go check myself into Arkham Asylum now.


Cuckooz
HM (Why so serious?)

The. Best. Sunday. Ever.

Greetings.


I have no clue how to start this one! I'm just so happy! And dazzled! And very stunned!

Okay, I went to church today except I was kind of bad because I just stayed in the Fellowship Room the whole time with Joseph and Petrie. Oh, well. It was worth it!

At some point during the conversation about the Nostalgia Critic, Red vs. Blue, and the Cinema Snob, I said something wrong so he decided to push my face as usual. I went with it. Then later on he decided to tackle me with a pillow from the couch we were sitting on. He placed it on top of my head and pressed and covered my face. Okay.

Finally one time he did the same as the last time except he pressed the pillow on my head with his chest and then covered my eyes with one hand and right above one of my boobs with the other. I said, "If you're trying to cop a feel, I will hurt you." Halfway through my sentence, he moved his hand to my leg. I removed the hand, but I only did it because during all three of these, Petrie was watching. I have no idea how he reacted because my eyes were covered. I think he just went with it. I really don't know.

Mind you, I LOVED it. I know I described it poorly, but it was much better than it sounded, I promise. After church, I went to brunch with Nana. Then after I did some homework, I took a nap with Odie. A nice day.


Hugz
HM

The Eight Ds of Faith and Miracles

Greetings.


Today, I wasn't needed in Sunday school (WAAAAAAH!!!!!!) so I stayed for the adult sermon, which is unusual for me. I usually stay for Sunday school and then the Youth service, or just stay for Sunday school and then go have brunch with Nana. But today they didn't need me so I stayed for the adult service. Joseph played bass this morning (How sexy is he? He acts, goes to church devotedly every Sunday, plays several instruments, can sing when he wants to, has a nice butt, and glasses. I swear, I'd marry him if he'd let me. hee hee) and we sat with his parents.

Pastor Sherman's sermon was on Romans 4:17-25. Now, I never bring my Bible to church because they always have the verses on the screen and I am trying to ease myself into this church stuff (I'm still not overly used to it but I enjoy it, I think?) but I kind of wish I had. I can't remember who Ishmael was for the life of me and Pastor Sherman referenced him a LOT during the sermon.

I digress.

Anyways, he talked about miracles and the processes of faith and miracles. First, God DECLARES that he's going to do something for you. Then you make a DECISION about the DECLARATION. Then comes the hard part: there's a DELAY in His promise. He says that this is the hardest part, the "Wait Here" step. DOUBT enters your mind, DESPAIR creeps into your heart, and DETOURS present themselves. This is the part where I began to cry.

He finally says that when our hope has DISAPPEARED, God will DELIVER us. God waits for the circumstances to go from simply "improbable" to "impossible". God loves to defy physics. It's like his hobby. He's good at it. He has two specialties: life from death and making something out of nothing. Raising Jesus from the dead and putting a baby in the Virgin Mary are REALLY good examples.

But why it made me cry was because I was sitting next to what I hope to be my miracle. Joseph. I fell in love with him which I imagine to be God's DECLARATION that I shall love him. I made a DECISION: I'm going to be patient and wait out the DELAY. DESPAIR, DOUBT, DETOURS - all have presented themselves, but I am doing my best not to get too discouraged. Obviously, the last two have not occurred yet, but when my DELIVERANCE comes, I will be so happy I will most likely break the Internet.

I hope no one figures out I broke it, though. Maybe that'll be God's NEXT miracle for me. Ha ha ha.


Hugz
HM

Little Kids

Greetings.


I have said that I like church. I don't like, however, the songs. They go on FOREVER in the teen service. Okay, I am getting back on track, um, there are two services at the church I go to. It's a small, homey church and that's the way I prefer it, not the Empire State Chapel, you know? Well, first service is for the older folk and during said service, the little kids have Sunday school. And that's my favorite part. So I volunteered to help with the 2- and 3-year-olds. Mrs. Morton, who's pretty much in charge of Sunday school (seriously,if the Mortons ever left the church, the church would absolutely crumble), told me to go help Miss Mikayla. And out of nowhere, Joseph joins me. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

So we're playing with three little kids: two boys, Everett and Fritz (I kid you not, poor boy, what was his mother thinking?), and a girl, Alison. (I miss Ally now...) We were learning about creation and about how God created the animals and we were playing a finding game. The kids had to leave the room while Joseph and I hid the animals around the room for them to find. It was so fun. After that, we had to help the kids identify animals. Joseph was very patient with Alison. I was very impressed: you wouldn't think a robot would be so kind and gentle with little kids, but it just goes to show how wrong I can be.

Alison seems to have attached herself to me. She's only three, but she talks better than Bentley did. (I was kind of a genius talker, Bev says, so I can't compare her to me.) Anyways, as I was about to leave (I was not planning on staying for the teen service, I have four and a half hours of sleep under my belt and I was TIRED) she and her dad, the teen pastor, came into the room and she sees me and then turns to her dad and says, "I don't wanna go to the service." Her dad looks a little surprised and asks her what she wants to do. She points to me and says, "I wanna stay with her." He looked at me and I shrugged. So I spent the latter part of my church time with a smart little girl. We played house and she "covered" me with the pillows on the couches. Once she fell down and scraped her shin BAD (not bad enough that it bled, but it looked really bad) and I kept my cool and cleaned her off. I made her stop crying and got her Band-Aids and I felt SOOOOO bad. She's not even my kid (obviously) and I felt awful.

I had a nice day, so far.


Hugz
HM

Church

Greetings.


Well, I went to church.

Amazingly enough, I had fun. Ginger made me go to church. Initially, she planned on going to church with Roland. But finally I smacked (not literally) some sense into her seeing as Roland is her ex-boyfriend and we agreed to go to Nana's church. Luckily for me, Mr. M, Mrs. M, and Joseph go there too. In fact, they're head of the Worship team at Dove Creek. Joseph plays bass, Mr. M plays drums, and Mrs. M sings and plays keyboard/piano. They are a tremendously musical family.

Anyways, the initial service was good. I mean, I haven't LAUGHED at a sermon since I was eight. EIGHT. I was in freakin' THIRD GRADE!!!! I was in stitches with this guy, Pastor Sherman, and he was actually really nice. We sang (Ginger really got into it) and then we retreated to the Fellowship Room for coffee (yuck) and donuts (yay!). Then came the teens' service. The band wasn't as good, but Joseph and Mr. M were really good. It's just that there were two girls singing, one playing guitar, and one playing keyboards and they didn't sound as put together as the other band. Then the youth pastor, Pastor Dave, did a little sermon about joy that was pretty good, not as funny as Pastor Sherman's, but good nonetheless.

I can't believe I am saying this about church: I had fun.


Hugz
HM

I Have No Title

Greetings.


Well, it looks like Ginger is staying for longer than foreseen. For, like, until Friday. YAY! I love having my cousin here! Ginger is amazingly awesome and she's fun. She may not be the world's best role model, but not everyone can be Mother Teresa, am I right? (Actually, my ideal role model is Susan B. Anthony or Jeanette Rankin because of their pacifism and feminism.) But still she's here and we're going to spend the next, like, five days here!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, today Bev, Ginger, Claire, and I went shopping to redeem a few of my gift cards that I got for my birthday. But we went to Kohl's just for the heck of it. Well, actually because Ginger doesn't have a Kohl's where she lives in Roswell with Uncle Reggie and Aunt Abigail Potts and she wanted to go. So we went and then we went to Jamba Juice, then lunch at a buffet, then to Barnes & Noble. (omg, I like it so much better than Borders, but I like Borders too.) I got two new manga books, a hardback book and THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOOS. I want to know what all the hype is about.

Then when we came home (Bev dropped Claire off at her house) Ginger and I just settled into our base of operations and just unwound. We video chatted with her family and then I had to make dinner. Then we retreated to Bev and Dad's room to watch INUYASHA movies and here we are now!

OMG I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?????????????????? Ginger goes to church and she wanted to go so now, somehow, we're going to Nana's church, which, by the way, also is Joseph's church. Hee hee hee... It can't be all bad.


Hugz
HM