Greetings.
I don't know if I am going to be writing on this blog again. I... feel it is futile. As cathartic as this is, I need something more stable. And maybe someday I will write on this again. But... I need to leave. I need... closure.
My emotional distress is not new, but this one is... one of the most distressing things I have had to deal with in my entire life. I don't want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to talk to people sometimes. But I do both of those things because I have to.
Joseph is in love with someone else and has been for a LONG time. I have no chance against her. She is kind, smart, beautiful... everything any sensible human being would want. I have no shot whatsoever. And I truly do wish I had never met him. Because since he told me, he has been avoiding me. I went to rehearsal for a new show my troupe is doing and he didn't even say hi to me. He walked up to a friend of ours who was standing next to me and just started talking to him, pretty much ignoring me. He didn't speak to me until he absolutely had to and I don't even remember why.
I am losing my best friend. This is just what I had feared. They're all gone. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I haven't seen Bennie in weeks. I have lost all contact with Joss. Joseph...
I still email Ally every day and I see Claire all the time. But... I love them. They are precious to me. And now they're leaving me. I HATE GOODBYES! I never wanted them to leave! I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
Goodbye, Internet. I'll miss you. Possibly for a while.
Showing posts with label Joss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joss. Show all posts
Friday, July 1, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Stupid Thing I Did Today
Greetings.
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
I don't know what your opinion of me may be based on this blog, but most people will tell you I am not impulsive and I normally make wise decisions. Well, okay, maybe not wise, but certainly not stupid. Sensible decisions is almost what I am known for. I'm indecisive when it comes to personal problems, but when there is a choice I have to make, I usually choose the one that works out the best for everyone involved and these choices usually come up everyday.
Today, however, I may have made the wrong one.
Chill out, it's not like I killed anyone or anything. Picture this: It's state "No-Child-Left-Behind" testing week at Horizon and the seniors don't have to take them. (Ha ha) So, we go to the theater and of course we have a speaker. Not just any speaker, a local policeman talking about local teens who are affected by car crashes. He even brought one of the mothers of one of the teens who died. I cried, but I freaked out at a couple points because of the blood. Okay, that didn't go too bad.
After that, we went out to the basketball courts where the car show was. Car show? What car show? Horizon has a car show and the winners of certain categories get something in the yearbook about them. I entered my new royal blue Prius - named Grover, like from Sesame Street - that I got on Sunday (I don't remember if I said anything about that) in two categories: Best Looking Ride and Nicest Interior. Bennie, Joss, Joseph and I just hung out in the car while everyone else sweat in the uncharacteristically hot sun. It was fun. I won Nicest Interior. I should; Grover has built-in sheepskin (I didn't order it) seat covers and still has that new car smell. =)
So far, so good, right? Nothing stupid. Yet.
Well, we go back to the theater for the awards and whatnot and we finish everything a little early. We have about half an hour before we're allowed to go to an all-school lunch. (The weird thing is they usually give us more time during all-school lunches and today they didn't.) Anyways, the activities director staff person whatever called for two girls and two guys. Two guys immediately went up and a single girl went up after much prodding. No other girl wanted to participate - which is weird because almost all of the cheerleaders were in the front three rows - so I just walked up there. It started with a quiz show - I won with the question "What is sand?" and my answer was "granulated sedimentary rock". The boys surrendered. - and then progressed to a dance-off. Here's the stupid part. I didn't sit down. Instead, they played some unidentified song with a kind of sweet sticky sexy beat and I just went with it. I was swaying, rocking, body-rolling, shaking, shimmying, I even took off my sweater in kind of a striptease-y way. The crowd went wild. I won. Normally I get second but the other guy who usually wins didn't participate today.
I'm not done. After the dance off, we still had 10 minutes left, so the activity lady called for singers. I volunteered. I was up there all ready. I sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. The crowd was clapping and having a good time. I fumbled a bit on the lyrics - I don't know the song as well as I know, say, "Hot N Cold" - but they were having fun. This decision was probably not a stupid as my striptease (ha ha), but I saw my friends' faces. They were embarrassed during all of it, especially the dance. It made me feel really sad. I know I did something stupid, but Bennie, Joss, and Joseph could have at least tried to have fun...
It kind of hurt my feelings. The others' friends were having a great time, cheering for them. Mine were blushing, sinking down in their seats, covering their faces. They didn't even try to be supportive of me. Oh well... it just kind of hurt, you know? Sigh... And people wonder why I don't volunteer more.
Hugz
HM
Monday, March 28, 2011
Nothing's Going Right
Greetings.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY BLOG! WHEEEEEEE! I STARTED ON FRIDAY MARCH 26, 2010! WOW, IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING YEAR! WAHOO!
Okay, time for the depressing stuff. As the intelligent ones among you readers can guess by the title, things are not going so hot for me. Let's start off with the easy one: I am sick. Not throwing-up-sick anymore, but I have a throat infection (though to me it feels like something else, but, hey, I can't see my own throat because I don't have a flashlight that small) and IT HURTS LIKE A @&^$(&@)&#$)^&)(*^&@(*^(*@*#$*^&@^^@*^$#&^*@&*(#*^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Obviously, I didn't really curse, but you get the idea.)
The sad part is, and I know I have addressed this a MILLION times before, that none of my sisters nor my best friend have called to ask me what's wrong. Bennie did last week on Thursday, but there was nothing on Wednesday. I went to school on Friday - had a choir festival, kicked MAJOR WELLER PREPARATORY ACADEMY SAILORS' BUTT! - but felt sick by the end. I stayed in bed from Saturday to today. I didn't go to church yesterday. (It's Monday @ 11:54 when I am writing this part.) Joseph didn't call, nor did Petrie, but I didn't expect him to. Today, I got a text from Chase and then a reply from an earlier text message I sent to William. THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL THE CONSIDERATION I GET WHEN I AM SICK! I shall have you know, I always make an effort to call, visit, email excessively, or, at the least, text insanely until I know every detail and diagnosis of their illness. I was worried sick when Ally tore her ACL, but, because she was always so busy, I could never visit. Not for lack of trying; I asked at least once a day. And when Claire was sick, I called her three times to check on her. Joseph? I took home after school and then I stopped by Jackson's and got him a piece of cake. Joss? Bennie? Texts, calls, the whole shebang. They just live a whole lot farther than the others otherwise I would have visited. I'd do the same for Chase and the rest but Chase has never been sick in the short time I've known him and the others I call and do whatever the second I hear about them because I don't see them on a daily basis.
But me? Nah. Maybe I'd just be better off if I just left for a while. It's not like people notice. And you want to know the saddest part? When Nana and I went to the doctor today, I was praying that I had tonsillitis so that I could have my tonsils out. Why? Maybe people would notice a major surgery, the fact that I couldn't talk, the legal pad or white board in my hands. (Okay, now it's Tuesday @ 12:03. Just so you know.) Whenever I get sick, I think of this one story I read in CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL FOR TEENS.
This girl was invisible at her high school, or so she felt. Always alone, no one spoke to her and she spoke to no one. I can't remember, but she was in between the ages of 15 and 17. One day, they diagnose her with ovarian cancer. She had her hysterectomy and suddenly she started to realize that people hadn't been shunning her; she had been shunning them. Whenever I get sick, I pray for it to be major so that I can have that happen to me. I know it's completely shallow and terrible and really REALLY pathetic, but that's what happens. Can you blame me? No one notices me when I'm well and not even my sisters/best friend notice when I'm sick. Which is sadder?
Oh, I forgot, there's worse news. Poppy, the man who is spending all of his money on me (and Bentley a little bit too, but not as much) is in the hospital with not only pneumonia BUT ALSO AN ANEURYSM IN ONE OF HIS MAJOR VEINS. Yeah, that's right. They wouldn't have noticed the aneurysm had he not gone in for pneumonia! He could have died! Dad's kind of shaking and he's been keeping close tabs on his half-brother, Dewey, and half-sister-in-law, Lara, for updates. I'm scared. This is why I hate people spending money on me. What if I never get to tell them thank you or pay them back? I want to talk to Poppy, but he's in ICU. Dad says he's fine and that the only thing he's complaining about is that he doesn't have his laptop to manage his stocks.
But I keep dwelling. He's a Christian Scientist and has been since his last wife, Nim, or Helena, died of pancreatic cancer about three years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now if it weren't for Lara. She's monitoring him constantly and making sure he follows orders. I'm scared. I'm sorry, but I am. If you think it's wimpy of me to get all weepy about this, BACK THE HELL OFF. I am PMSing, I am sick, and I almost lost my grandfather. And for those of you heartless jerks out there who think I want his money? Shame on you. Then again, it's not my place to lay judgment.
GOD will punish you.
Hugz
HM
Dedicated to all of those frightened or suffering for a loved one. And everyone who is sick right this second. God bless.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY BLOG! WHEEEEEEE! I STARTED ON FRIDAY MARCH 26, 2010! WOW, IT'S BEEN AN INTERESTING YEAR! WAHOO!
Okay, time for the depressing stuff. As the intelligent ones among you readers can guess by the title, things are not going so hot for me. Let's start off with the easy one: I am sick. Not throwing-up-sick anymore, but I have a throat infection (though to me it feels like something else, but, hey, I can't see my own throat because I don't have a flashlight that small) and IT HURTS LIKE A @&^$(&@)&#$)^&)(*^&@(*^(*@*#$*^&@^^@*^$#&^*@&*(#*^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Obviously, I didn't really curse, but you get the idea.)
The sad part is, and I know I have addressed this a MILLION times before, that none of my sisters nor my best friend have called to ask me what's wrong. Bennie did last week on Thursday, but there was nothing on Wednesday. I went to school on Friday - had a choir festival, kicked MAJOR WELLER PREPARATORY ACADEMY SAILORS' BUTT! - but felt sick by the end. I stayed in bed from Saturday to today. I didn't go to church yesterday. (It's Monday @ 11:54 when I am writing this part.) Joseph didn't call, nor did Petrie, but I didn't expect him to. Today, I got a text from Chase and then a reply from an earlier text message I sent to William. THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL THE CONSIDERATION I GET WHEN I AM SICK! I shall have you know, I always make an effort to call, visit, email excessively, or, at the least, text insanely until I know every detail and diagnosis of their illness. I was worried sick when Ally tore her ACL, but, because she was always so busy, I could never visit. Not for lack of trying; I asked at least once a day. And when Claire was sick, I called her three times to check on her. Joseph? I took home after school and then I stopped by Jackson's and got him a piece of cake. Joss? Bennie? Texts, calls, the whole shebang. They just live a whole lot farther than the others otherwise I would have visited. I'd do the same for Chase and the rest but Chase has never been sick in the short time I've known him and the others I call and do whatever the second I hear about them because I don't see them on a daily basis.
But me? Nah. Maybe I'd just be better off if I just left for a while. It's not like people notice. And you want to know the saddest part? When Nana and I went to the doctor today, I was praying that I had tonsillitis so that I could have my tonsils out. Why? Maybe people would notice a major surgery, the fact that I couldn't talk, the legal pad or white board in my hands. (Okay, now it's Tuesday @ 12:03. Just so you know.) Whenever I get sick, I think of this one story I read in CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL FOR TEENS.
This girl was invisible at her high school, or so she felt. Always alone, no one spoke to her and she spoke to no one. I can't remember, but she was in between the ages of 15 and 17. One day, they diagnose her with ovarian cancer. She had her hysterectomy and suddenly she started to realize that people hadn't been shunning her; she had been shunning them. Whenever I get sick, I pray for it to be major so that I can have that happen to me. I know it's completely shallow and terrible and really REALLY pathetic, but that's what happens. Can you blame me? No one notices me when I'm well and not even my sisters/best friend notice when I'm sick. Which is sadder?
Oh, I forgot, there's worse news. Poppy, the man who is spending all of his money on me (and Bentley a little bit too, but not as much) is in the hospital with not only pneumonia BUT ALSO AN ANEURYSM IN ONE OF HIS MAJOR VEINS. Yeah, that's right. They wouldn't have noticed the aneurysm had he not gone in for pneumonia! He could have died! Dad's kind of shaking and he's been keeping close tabs on his half-brother, Dewey, and half-sister-in-law, Lara, for updates. I'm scared. This is why I hate people spending money on me. What if I never get to tell them thank you or pay them back? I want to talk to Poppy, but he's in ICU. Dad says he's fine and that the only thing he's complaining about is that he doesn't have his laptop to manage his stocks.
But I keep dwelling. He's a Christian Scientist and has been since his last wife, Nim, or Helena, died of pancreatic cancer about three years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now if it weren't for Lara. She's monitoring him constantly and making sure he follows orders. I'm scared. I'm sorry, but I am. If you think it's wimpy of me to get all weepy about this, BACK THE HELL OFF. I am PMSing, I am sick, and I almost lost my grandfather. And for those of you heartless jerks out there who think I want his money? Shame on you. Then again, it's not my place to lay judgment.
GOD will punish you.
Hugz
HM
Dedicated to all of those frightened or suffering for a loved one. And everyone who is sick right this second. God bless.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Apology (With a Resolution In There Somewhere)
Greetings.
Sorry I have not posted in a while. My email with Ally was down and she's the main reader of my blog, Claire a close second. I didn't see a point in posting for no one. Plus, I have been kind of bust. Not a lot, except for finals (easy), but busy enough. Speaking of school, I am bummed that vacation went by so fast and I STILL haven't started reading GREAT EXPECTATIONS. It just means a buttload of work when I get back to school and I hate that. Poop.
Anyways, Christmas was kind of bittersweet. I got to see Josie and Jeremy and Uncle Sam and (ugh) Aunt Gertie at dinner a few days beforehand and I spent all day Christmas Day with Josie and Jeremy. I love my little cousins, they are so cute. And I had my family - Bev, Dad, Bentley, Sam, Gertie, Josie, Jeremy, Gertie's dad Lorenzo, Josephine, Nana, and Gramps. But the bitter part: I got five items, out of thirty, that I wanted. That's not even twenty percent. It's like Nana and Bev are TRYING not to listen to me and they do a really great job. I know, I know, "HM, you should be thankful that you even GET presents! Think about those kids in Uganda who are dying!"
Screw you. I want my fricking presents. (Though I did donate my entire bank account - what little was left, about two hundred bucks - to the Invisible Children fund AND I made one of those Samaritan's Purse boxes. So stuff it.)
I threw Claire a surprise party yesterday. Her birthday is three days after Christmas so she rarely gets a party. We went to this karaoke restaurant that she loves - we call it the "NASCAR Bar" because of the rednecks - and surprised her so badly that she screamed. I just told her that Joseph, Ernie, and William were taking her to dinner for her birthday and we did technically but I think she peed her pants with surprise. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! She loved it. And, through the magic of Facebook (yes, we have Internet in South Dakota too!), I managed to get some of her friends that she hasn't seen in forever.
Speaking of people someone hasn't seen in forever, JAKE MICHAELS CAME TO TOWN! I don't know if I said anything much about Jake before, but during sixth grade at Southington Heights Christian Academy, he and Pauley Border were whom I considered my best friends. We have kind of grown apart over the years, but the three of us always have a movie night whenever Jake is in town. (He moved north to Fort Yates.) So today we went to see TRON: LEGACY. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't my favorite. I hate the ending. Anyways, I was so happy to see Jake and Pauley!
Hmm, what else? I haven't seen my sisters or Joseph all that much, which sucks, but I did get to see them at least once. Joss, Claire, and Joseph were at the surprise party and I've seen Bennie twice. The only one I haven't seen is Ally and I have four presents for her! Perhaps I'll go over tomorrow. I need to sometime.
Anyways, Happy New Year from your favorite fat cynic, Harmony Margaret Juniper Leeann Heloise Walker-Lowell. Also, Merry Belated Christmas, Happy Late Hanukkah, Merry After Kwanzaa, et cetera. =)
Hugz,
HM
Sorry I have not posted in a while. My email with Ally was down and she's the main reader of my blog, Claire a close second. I didn't see a point in posting for no one. Plus, I have been kind of bust. Not a lot, except for finals (easy), but busy enough. Speaking of school, I am bummed that vacation went by so fast and I STILL haven't started reading GREAT EXPECTATIONS. It just means a buttload of work when I get back to school and I hate that. Poop.
Anyways, Christmas was kind of bittersweet. I got to see Josie and Jeremy and Uncle Sam and (ugh) Aunt Gertie at dinner a few days beforehand and I spent all day Christmas Day with Josie and Jeremy. I love my little cousins, they are so cute. And I had my family - Bev, Dad, Bentley, Sam, Gertie, Josie, Jeremy, Gertie's dad Lorenzo, Josephine, Nana, and Gramps. But the bitter part: I got five items, out of thirty, that I wanted. That's not even twenty percent. It's like Nana and Bev are TRYING not to listen to me and they do a really great job. I know, I know, "HM, you should be thankful that you even GET presents! Think about those kids in Uganda who are dying!"
Screw you. I want my fricking presents. (Though I did donate my entire bank account - what little was left, about two hundred bucks - to the Invisible Children fund AND I made one of those Samaritan's Purse boxes. So stuff it.)
I threw Claire a surprise party yesterday. Her birthday is three days after Christmas so she rarely gets a party. We went to this karaoke restaurant that she loves - we call it the "NASCAR Bar" because of the rednecks - and surprised her so badly that she screamed. I just told her that Joseph, Ernie, and William were taking her to dinner for her birthday and we did technically but I think she peed her pants with surprise. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! She loved it. And, through the magic of Facebook (yes, we have Internet in South Dakota too!), I managed to get some of her friends that she hasn't seen in forever.
Speaking of people someone hasn't seen in forever, JAKE MICHAELS CAME TO TOWN! I don't know if I said anything much about Jake before, but during sixth grade at Southington Heights Christian Academy, he and Pauley Border were whom I considered my best friends. We have kind of grown apart over the years, but the three of us always have a movie night whenever Jake is in town. (He moved north to Fort Yates.) So today we went to see TRON: LEGACY. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't my favorite. I hate the ending. Anyways, I was so happy to see Jake and Pauley!
Hmm, what else? I haven't seen my sisters or Joseph all that much, which sucks, but I did get to see them at least once. Joss, Claire, and Joseph were at the surprise party and I've seen Bennie twice. The only one I haven't seen is Ally and I have four presents for her! Perhaps I'll go over tomorrow. I need to sometime.
Anyways, Happy New Year from your favorite fat cynic, Harmony Margaret Juniper Leeann Heloise Walker-Lowell. Also, Merry Belated Christmas, Happy Late Hanukkah, Merry After Kwanzaa, et cetera. =)
Hugz,
HM
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Screwed Up
Greetings.
Okay, I feel really screwed up right now. My parents are trying to ship me off to the shrink I had back during my Suicide Year, Dr. Craig, and now Bentley's missing school tomorrow because he has to go too. Something about his weight. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BENTLEY, YOU'RE THIN AND GORGEOUS AND NICE AND KIND AND EVERYONE FRICKING LOVES YOU (except for those bungholes who call him gay at school) SO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!!!!!!! But, no, Bents gets to skip school to go powwow with the Doc while I schlepp back and forth from tutoring to school to (ugh) home.
I really don't like home right now. I feel fine everywhere else. I feel good at SCHOOL. Yeah. I said it. I don't understand why Bentley is having a hard time. He is thin, he has a great metabolism, he has a pretty girl who's gaga for him, and he has good friends who care about him. Plus, he's got a sister who would love to listen to him if he talked to her. What's the problem? He doesn't eat much. That's it! He doesn't have an appetite beyond Cheddar Goldfish, chocolate cake batter, and raw vegetables. While I am worried for Bentley, shouldn't they be more worried about him if he were ballooning up like Violet Beauregard? (OH GOOD GOD MY BRAIN MY BRAIN! OH GOOD LORD ERASE THAT IMAGE FROM MY MIND FOREVER!) (For those of you who do not know, I have an acute fear of WILLY WONKA/CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!)
Moving on. (Shudder) I don't want to see the doc. I want to learn to be a functional adult without leaning on meds or whatever crap he's going to do to me. I outgrew that years ago. But my parents say I have anger issues (true, but only around them. HMMMM.), I'm distant (HMMMMM.), and I am moody. (FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY! I! HATE! IT! HERE!) No one is happy, we're always fighting, we're on the brink of fiscal ruin, and EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP! I look back at old photos of me when I was five and say to myself in the picture, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN, LITTLE GIRL! IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE!" The same thing happens when I see a picture of Bentley around the same age.
Why is this all happening too us? Karma? (ha ha) I don't know. And frankly I really don't want to stick around here long enough to figure out why. I am going to community college, moving out, and then going to real college where I shall live in an apartment with Bennie and Joss, then graduate, publish a book, become rich, and spend the rest of my life happily married to Joseph with my son/daughter while teaching English at Horizon High School and never having to worry about money.
Happy happy happy. Can I fast forward my life, please???? Or at least get a Clarence the Angel to show me if any of my dreams come true????
Hugz
HM
Okay, I feel really screwed up right now. My parents are trying to ship me off to the shrink I had back during my Suicide Year, Dr. Craig, and now Bentley's missing school tomorrow because he has to go too. Something about his weight. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BENTLEY, YOU'RE THIN AND GORGEOUS AND NICE AND KIND AND EVERYONE FRICKING LOVES YOU (except for those bungholes who call him gay at school) SO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!!!!!!! But, no, Bents gets to skip school to go powwow with the Doc while I schlepp back and forth from tutoring to school to (ugh) home.
I really don't like home right now. I feel fine everywhere else. I feel good at SCHOOL. Yeah. I said it. I don't understand why Bentley is having a hard time. He is thin, he has a great metabolism, he has a pretty girl who's gaga for him, and he has good friends who care about him. Plus, he's got a sister who would love to listen to him if he talked to her. What's the problem? He doesn't eat much. That's it! He doesn't have an appetite beyond Cheddar Goldfish, chocolate cake batter, and raw vegetables. While I am worried for Bentley, shouldn't they be more worried about him if he were ballooning up like Violet Beauregard? (OH GOOD GOD MY BRAIN MY BRAIN! OH GOOD LORD ERASE THAT IMAGE FROM MY MIND FOREVER!) (For those of you who do not know, I have an acute fear of WILLY WONKA/CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!)
Moving on. (Shudder) I don't want to see the doc. I want to learn to be a functional adult without leaning on meds or whatever crap he's going to do to me. I outgrew that years ago. But my parents say I have anger issues (true, but only around them. HMMMM.), I'm distant (HMMMMM.), and I am moody. (FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY! I! HATE! IT! HERE!) No one is happy, we're always fighting, we're on the brink of fiscal ruin, and EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP! I look back at old photos of me when I was five and say to myself in the picture, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN, LITTLE GIRL! IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE!" The same thing happens when I see a picture of Bentley around the same age.
Why is this all happening too us? Karma? (ha ha) I don't know. And frankly I really don't want to stick around here long enough to figure out why. I am going to community college, moving out, and then going to real college where I shall live in an apartment with Bennie and Joss, then graduate, publish a book, become rich, and spend the rest of my life happily married to Joseph with my son/daughter while teaching English at Horizon High School and never having to worry about money.
Happy happy happy. Can I fast forward my life, please???? Or at least get a Clarence the Angel to show me if any of my dreams come true????
Hugz
HM
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Jocelyn You-Na Black
Greetings.
Jocelyn, whose real Korean name is You-Na, is a transfer student from Korea. Maybe I should say that she was sent here by her mother to live with her uncle, aunt, and cousins, who, ironically, I went to elementary and middle school with at Southington Heights Christian Academy until I went eighth grade. She was in my freshman Geometry class, in which I sat next to and perpetually joked with Joseph. (I still got an A. Who da boss?) I didn't know her very well. She kept to herself and only spoke when the teacher spoke to her. I don't blame her; her English was and still is, though less so, a little bit shaky.
I actually met her and became friends with her sophomore year. She was in my P.E. class and we were always the ones left without partners or teams or what-have-yous. So we were forced to partner together most often. I didn't mind; she was fit, but lazy. I was fat, but my heart rate easily went up for heart rate monitors. Soon she started cheating off of me for our weekly grade. And we started talking.
Sophomore year was hard for me, what with the Freddy Ackerby fiasco. Jocelyn came at a slightly bad time. But she started sitting with us at our lunch table late September. Her friends from freshman year had transferred or were ignoring her, I am still unclear as to that point. Nevertheless, we couldn't seem to get rid of her. It was she that brought Emma, Pete, and Lucky to the table junior year (who have since disappeared) and introduced Bennie to the delight that is "kimpa", a kind of Korean sushi that Bennie, Emma, Pete, and Lucky are all addicted to. Neither I nor Joseph like them.
There are a lot of things about Joss that I am uncertain of. Like why she left Korea, for one. Then there are a plethora of little questions like does she miss it. But I know one thing: I would never replace Joss, Bennie, Claire, Ally, or Joseph for anyone in the entire world.
Hugz
HM
Jocelyn, whose real Korean name is You-Na, is a transfer student from Korea. Maybe I should say that she was sent here by her mother to live with her uncle, aunt, and cousins, who, ironically, I went to elementary and middle school with at Southington Heights Christian Academy until I went eighth grade. She was in my freshman Geometry class, in which I sat next to and perpetually joked with Joseph. (I still got an A. Who da boss?) I didn't know her very well. She kept to herself and only spoke when the teacher spoke to her. I don't blame her; her English was and still is, though less so, a little bit shaky.
I actually met her and became friends with her sophomore year. She was in my P.E. class and we were always the ones left without partners or teams or what-have-yous. So we were forced to partner together most often. I didn't mind; she was fit, but lazy. I was fat, but my heart rate easily went up for heart rate monitors. Soon she started cheating off of me for our weekly grade. And we started talking.
Sophomore year was hard for me, what with the Freddy Ackerby fiasco. Jocelyn came at a slightly bad time. But she started sitting with us at our lunch table late September. Her friends from freshman year had transferred or were ignoring her, I am still unclear as to that point. Nevertheless, we couldn't seem to get rid of her. It was she that brought Emma, Pete, and Lucky to the table junior year (who have since disappeared) and introduced Bennie to the delight that is "kimpa", a kind of Korean sushi that Bennie, Emma, Pete, and Lucky are all addicted to. Neither I nor Joseph like them.
There are a lot of things about Joss that I am uncertain of. Like why she left Korea, for one. Then there are a plethora of little questions like does she miss it. But I know one thing: I would never replace Joss, Bennie, Claire, Ally, or Joseph for anyone in the entire world.
Hugz
HM
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Conducting the Choir... and Two B-words
Greetings.
Yesterday, my choir teacher, Mr. Privett, was away at a festival with the boys. (Lucky guys. But the girls' festival is next week so yay!) So it was a sub and our accompanist, Mrs. Tate, who had to teach the class. Well obviously the sub, who is a math teacher on campus, cannot conduct the class and Mrs. Tate has to play the piano. So she asks for student conductor volunteers who have been taking conducting classes with Mr. Privett to come up and direct the class. Both an alto (I have been demoted/promoted/moted to alto because they're super quiet and I'm super LOUD) named Alex Bell and I volunteered and, despite the protests of some of the class, Mrs. Tate let Alex try. I never saw her at the classes, which I have been taking in anticipation of this moment, so I pointed this out. Then her friend, Candy White, snaps at me, "She's been taking it at lunch! Leave her alone!" So I apologized and let her get on with it.
She. Was. Crap. Seriously! She just flopped her hand about and half the time she didn't even do that. And, to make matters worse, she got TIRED after two songs. TIRED! DON'T VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GIVE UP HALFWAY THROUGH. So she asked, "Anyone else want to try?" I raised my hand and the entire class practically begged, "Please, let Harmony Margaret do it! Let HM! Go up there, HM!" and things of that nature. So I went up there and Alex and Candy deliberately sat in the tenor section. So we got through one of the songs, a gospel by Moses Hogan, and we were going over some of the alto parts because some of the girls don't know it when Alex and Candy decide to be very disrespectful and move over to the basses. They won't stand or sing because "We're not altos, we're basses" and then try to sing low and then burst out laughing at their failed attempt. I try not to make waves so I ignore it and continue to work with the altos.
Mrs. Tate, on the other hand, got fed up with Alex and Candy and told them to move back. They move begrudgingly back to the empty tenor section in time for the next song, another gospel (Mr. Privett loves gospels, as do I) by a local composer. I have everyone stand up and everyone does except for, of course, Alex and Candy. I ask them politely to stand. Alex looks at me like I'm the world's biggest poo stain on her shoe and says, "I'm sick." I'm thinking to myself YOU WERE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO DISRUPT THE REHEARSAL but, again, I didn't want to make waves, so I ignored it. We kept working and at one point apparently they were cursing at me or something and two other girls, I'm not sure who but a couple of people say it was to acquaintances of mine, Delta Nielson and Ariel Bow, decide to stick up for me. Apparently, objects were thrown, but I didn't see it because I was working with the altos again. The sopranos have the easy part, the melody, and unless they asked for it, I left them alone. A couple asked for a few notes but mostly they sat quietly and listened to the altos or, in some cases, put Alex and Candy into their places.
Now, I didn't see the incident, but most of the other sopranos did. And they reported it to Mr. Privett after school when he returned from his outing with the boys. And BOY did he lecture us to death today. Not just Alex and Candy, THE ENTIRE CLASS. Apparently, the boys had an incident yesterday as well involving a guy in a truck in the parking lot where they all had lunch. And now I'm stuck going to the Dean to report what happened. (I'm not in trouble, but Mr. Privett needs my help. Mr. Privett also took me aside today and told me that he was sorry and that I should not have had to have been in a situation where I was disrespected. I felt so loved.) But all the girls from yesterday (except Alex and Candy) said I did a great job conducting the class and that Alex and Candy were complete b*****s to me. (Bennie and Joss didn't say the b-word, as did some of the girls, but the majority said the b-word)
I have never felt so loved by my choir. I thought everyone hated me. Now I know at least TWO confirmed haters.
Hugz
HM
Yesterday, my choir teacher, Mr. Privett, was away at a festival with the boys. (Lucky guys. But the girls' festival is next week so yay!) So it was a sub and our accompanist, Mrs. Tate, who had to teach the class. Well obviously the sub, who is a math teacher on campus, cannot conduct the class and Mrs. Tate has to play the piano. So she asks for student conductor volunteers who have been taking conducting classes with Mr. Privett to come up and direct the class. Both an alto (I have been demoted/promoted/moted to alto because they're super quiet and I'm super LOUD) named Alex Bell and I volunteered and, despite the protests of some of the class, Mrs. Tate let Alex try. I never saw her at the classes, which I have been taking in anticipation of this moment, so I pointed this out. Then her friend, Candy White, snaps at me, "She's been taking it at lunch! Leave her alone!" So I apologized and let her get on with it.
She. Was. Crap. Seriously! She just flopped her hand about and half the time she didn't even do that. And, to make matters worse, she got TIRED after two songs. TIRED! DON'T VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GIVE UP HALFWAY THROUGH. So she asked, "Anyone else want to try?" I raised my hand and the entire class practically begged, "Please, let Harmony Margaret do it! Let HM! Go up there, HM!" and things of that nature. So I went up there and Alex and Candy deliberately sat in the tenor section. So we got through one of the songs, a gospel by Moses Hogan, and we were going over some of the alto parts because some of the girls don't know it when Alex and Candy decide to be very disrespectful and move over to the basses. They won't stand or sing because "We're not altos, we're basses" and then try to sing low and then burst out laughing at their failed attempt. I try not to make waves so I ignore it and continue to work with the altos.
Mrs. Tate, on the other hand, got fed up with Alex and Candy and told them to move back. They move begrudgingly back to the empty tenor section in time for the next song, another gospel (Mr. Privett loves gospels, as do I) by a local composer. I have everyone stand up and everyone does except for, of course, Alex and Candy. I ask them politely to stand. Alex looks at me like I'm the world's biggest poo stain on her shoe and says, "I'm sick." I'm thinking to myself YOU WERE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO DISRUPT THE REHEARSAL but, again, I didn't want to make waves, so I ignored it. We kept working and at one point apparently they were cursing at me or something and two other girls, I'm not sure who but a couple of people say it was to acquaintances of mine, Delta Nielson and Ariel Bow, decide to stick up for me. Apparently, objects were thrown, but I didn't see it because I was working with the altos again. The sopranos have the easy part, the melody, and unless they asked for it, I left them alone. A couple asked for a few notes but mostly they sat quietly and listened to the altos or, in some cases, put Alex and Candy into their places.
Now, I didn't see the incident, but most of the other sopranos did. And they reported it to Mr. Privett after school when he returned from his outing with the boys. And BOY did he lecture us to death today. Not just Alex and Candy, THE ENTIRE CLASS. Apparently, the boys had an incident yesterday as well involving a guy in a truck in the parking lot where they all had lunch. And now I'm stuck going to the Dean to report what happened. (I'm not in trouble, but Mr. Privett needs my help. Mr. Privett also took me aside today and told me that he was sorry and that I should not have had to have been in a situation where I was disrespected. I felt so loved.) But all the girls from yesterday (except Alex and Candy) said I did a great job conducting the class and that Alex and Candy were complete b*****s to me. (Bennie and Joss didn't say the b-word, as did some of the girls, but the majority said the b-word)
I have never felt so loved by my choir. I thought everyone hated me. Now I know at least TWO confirmed haters.
Hugz
HM
Friday, May 21, 2010
Life's Most Important Lesson
Greetings.
Well, you know how you do silly things with your friends that you probably wouldn't do with people you don't know as well? Well, Pete Sanders is the supreme king of such things. He is weird; his favorite silly, yet creepy, thing to do is to place his hand under the table and squeeze Lucky, Joss, and Joseph's knees. Just those three because those are the three that always sit near him. On one side of the table is usually Pete, Emma, Joss, and Bennie or Freddy. On the other side is Lucky, Joseph, me, and Bennie when Freddy joins us. We share a booth that really should only accommodate six people but no one listens to the squished big girl. Well anyways, Pete was squeezing their knees again and it was particularly annoying Joseph, who sits next to me on my left. He told Pete that he was going to leave and that I would not be happy and kill him (Pete), and I so would. Joseph even let me grab onto his shoulders as my way of saying "Make him leave and die, Pete" and "Please don't go, Joseph". But of course, Pete being the butthead he is, he won't stop. So Joseph turns to me and says, "Please make him stop." I kid you not; I'm like his bodyguard. Well, in this case, more like his poke shield. So I told Pete to stop, but he didn't, so Joseph turned to me and whispered, "Give him incentive to stop." I smiled; the guy I love was giving me permission to beat the hell out of a guy I don't care whether or not I beat up. I was happy. So I looked Pete directly in the eyes and said, "Touch him one more time and I swear, I'll make you eat your math book." (And our books are over 1100 pages!) His eyes got wide, because he knew I meant it. And he stopped. I'm proud of myself. Pete doesn't usually listen to people.
But pretty much my whole school knows not to tick me off; once sophomore year, (it was after school) The Three Stooges, Dillon Xavier, Tim Schraeder, and Ian Randall, came up to me, Bennie, Joss, and Joseph, and started being obscenely rude to Bennie and Joss. They were making jokes about both Bennie and Joss's physicality, Joss's nationality (like I said before, she's from South Korea), and they even were abusing Joseph and me. I saw the look of terror in Joseph's eyes (he was almost sexually molested freshman year by these two guys whom he had known since sixth grade and who have always had him on the chopping block; luckily I intervened in time and I got them both suspended) and Bennie looked like she was about to cry and Joss looked angry but, given that she's as big around as my pinky, she couldn't stand up to them. So I got up from where I was sitting and said to the Stooges, "Hey, guys, I wanna show you something." So I took all of them to the gym; my P.E. teacher had left the kickboxing bags out. I told them to imagine that the bags (heavily padded and anchored to the ground by over fifty pounds of sand in a hollow stand) were them. They sneered and said okay. I took off my shoes, walked up to a row of three of the bags, and proceeded to demonstrate. I roundhouse kicked the first one; it fell over. The second one I punched twice, once where Tim's nose would be and the other where his ... would be; that one fell over as well. The third one I pretended was Dillon, who had been the most aggressive toward my friends, I performed a spinning kick where his face would be; the bag fell over and rolled away, hitting the wall. I turned back to my assailants and my friends; Ian, Dillon, and Tim stood there open-mouthed. Joss, Bennie, and Joseph were smiling at me. I walked up to the Stooges, got right up in their faces, and said, really quiet and scary-like, "Now, are you going to bother my friends again?"
I have never seen three athletic and self-proclaimedly macho guys shuffle out of a gym so fast. It just goes to show one thing, Life's Most Important Lesson: No matter who you are, be you Steve Urkel or Chuck Norris, you NEVER mess with Harmony Margaret Walker's friends.
Hugz
HM
Well, you know how you do silly things with your friends that you probably wouldn't do with people you don't know as well? Well, Pete Sanders is the supreme king of such things. He is weird; his favorite silly, yet creepy, thing to do is to place his hand under the table and squeeze Lucky, Joss, and Joseph's knees. Just those three because those are the three that always sit near him. On one side of the table is usually Pete, Emma, Joss, and Bennie or Freddy. On the other side is Lucky, Joseph, me, and Bennie when Freddy joins us. We share a booth that really should only accommodate six people but no one listens to the squished big girl. Well anyways, Pete was squeezing their knees again and it was particularly annoying Joseph, who sits next to me on my left. He told Pete that he was going to leave and that I would not be happy and kill him (Pete), and I so would. Joseph even let me grab onto his shoulders as my way of saying "Make him leave and die, Pete" and "Please don't go, Joseph". But of course, Pete being the butthead he is, he won't stop. So Joseph turns to me and says, "Please make him stop." I kid you not; I'm like his bodyguard. Well, in this case, more like his poke shield. So I told Pete to stop, but he didn't, so Joseph turned to me and whispered, "Give him incentive to stop." I smiled; the guy I love was giving me permission to beat the hell out of a guy I don't care whether or not I beat up. I was happy. So I looked Pete directly in the eyes and said, "Touch him one more time and I swear, I'll make you eat your math book." (And our books are over 1100 pages!) His eyes got wide, because he knew I meant it. And he stopped. I'm proud of myself. Pete doesn't usually listen to people.
But pretty much my whole school knows not to tick me off; once sophomore year, (it was after school) The Three Stooges, Dillon Xavier, Tim Schraeder, and Ian Randall, came up to me, Bennie, Joss, and Joseph, and started being obscenely rude to Bennie and Joss. They were making jokes about both Bennie and Joss's physicality, Joss's nationality (like I said before, she's from South Korea), and they even were abusing Joseph and me. I saw the look of terror in Joseph's eyes (he was almost sexually molested freshman year by these two guys whom he had known since sixth grade and who have always had him on the chopping block; luckily I intervened in time and I got them both suspended) and Bennie looked like she was about to cry and Joss looked angry but, given that she's as big around as my pinky, she couldn't stand up to them. So I got up from where I was sitting and said to the Stooges, "Hey, guys, I wanna show you something." So I took all of them to the gym; my P.E. teacher had left the kickboxing bags out. I told them to imagine that the bags (heavily padded and anchored to the ground by over fifty pounds of sand in a hollow stand) were them. They sneered and said okay. I took off my shoes, walked up to a row of three of the bags, and proceeded to demonstrate. I roundhouse kicked the first one; it fell over. The second one I punched twice, once where Tim's nose would be and the other where his ... would be; that one fell over as well. The third one I pretended was Dillon, who had been the most aggressive toward my friends, I performed a spinning kick where his face would be; the bag fell over and rolled away, hitting the wall. I turned back to my assailants and my friends; Ian, Dillon, and Tim stood there open-mouthed. Joss, Bennie, and Joseph were smiling at me. I walked up to the Stooges, got right up in their faces, and said, really quiet and scary-like, "Now, are you going to bother my friends again?"
I have never seen three athletic and self-proclaimedly macho guys shuffle out of a gym so fast. It just goes to show one thing, Life's Most Important Lesson: No matter who you are, be you Steve Urkel or Chuck Norris, you NEVER mess with Harmony Margaret Walker's friends.
Hugz
HM
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mood Swings and Sadie Hawkins
Greetings.
You know how guys are always complaining about us girls and our mood swings? Well guess what: We have our reasons to be moody. I have observed several times that guys just don't take in what's around them. They, unfortunately, don't communicate or conversate unless their wives/fiancés/girlfriends have them trained like that piano-playing cat. Girls, on the other hand, take in too much. We notice details, listen, converse at twice the speed of light. We baffle our male counterparts. And we have mood swings because we absorb so much.
Mood swings are very common for me. I'm a level one bipolar. It means I can go from happy to sad in milliseconds. I mean, you could say a single sentence and I fall apart. Or you could say, "Nice hair, HM," and I get all happy. I noticed this during second period choir. Joss, Bennie, Chase, and I were playing BS and I was in one hell of a bad mood. And then out of nowhere, I felt really good. And then as soon as Joss mentioned Freddy and the fact that Saturday is the Sadie Hawkins dance, I got all depressed again. Joss, who is going with Freddy, wants Bennie to go with Stan and for me to go with someone. I don't have anyone and I don't want to go stag. Heck, I don't really want to go at all. When you're an overweight white girl who can't dance unless she has her eyes closed or unless someone has given her the choreography, dances are in the Top 10 Places You Never Want to Set Foot In. Besides, I'd prefer if they did their double date alone. When I had Nate or Vic or Wayne, I hope I didn't brag too much. I mean, they didn't go to my school so the only way to keep them with me was to talk about them, but now I'm on the other side and I really hate it. What's worse, there's two of them and I'm the only one left out. Mind you, I know who I want to ask to Sadie Hawkins. But Joseph hates dancing and pop music and basically everything at a dance.
I am so screwed. More as my psychomania develops.
Hugz
HM
You know how guys are always complaining about us girls and our mood swings? Well guess what: We have our reasons to be moody. I have observed several times that guys just don't take in what's around them. They, unfortunately, don't communicate or conversate unless their wives/fiancés/girlfriends have them trained like that piano-playing cat. Girls, on the other hand, take in too much. We notice details, listen, converse at twice the speed of light. We baffle our male counterparts. And we have mood swings because we absorb so much.
Mood swings are very common for me. I'm a level one bipolar. It means I can go from happy to sad in milliseconds. I mean, you could say a single sentence and I fall apart. Or you could say, "Nice hair, HM," and I get all happy. I noticed this during second period choir. Joss, Bennie, Chase, and I were playing BS and I was in one hell of a bad mood. And then out of nowhere, I felt really good. And then as soon as Joss mentioned Freddy and the fact that Saturday is the Sadie Hawkins dance, I got all depressed again. Joss, who is going with Freddy, wants Bennie to go with Stan and for me to go with someone. I don't have anyone and I don't want to go stag. Heck, I don't really want to go at all. When you're an overweight white girl who can't dance unless she has her eyes closed or unless someone has given her the choreography, dances are in the Top 10 Places You Never Want to Set Foot In. Besides, I'd prefer if they did their double date alone. When I had Nate or Vic or Wayne, I hope I didn't brag too much. I mean, they didn't go to my school so the only way to keep them with me was to talk about them, but now I'm on the other side and I really hate it. What's worse, there's two of them and I'm the only one left out. Mind you, I know who I want to ask to Sadie Hawkins. But Joseph hates dancing and pop music and basically everything at a dance.
I am so screwed. More as my psychomania develops.
Hugz
HM
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tradition (á la Fiddler on the Roof)
Greetings.
Well, I have mixed feelings about today. Freddy didn't come to lunch today and make me feel unwanted. We played BS; Emma won, and then Bennie and I tied. No homework. Gamer's Club was fun, but both Freddy and Joss were there so I didn't want to stay long... I mean, I brought her to Gamer's Club, knowing he would be there, and then I want to cry about it. What is WRONG with me?
Also today I continued the Joseph Birthday Tradition: embarrass him all morning and then give him something sweet for lunch. Freshman year, I had the class sing to him in every class we had together and then I gave him one of those personalized gigantic cookies they sell at Albertson's. Sophomore year, I had the entire cafeteria sing to him (oh, how he hated me) and then gave him my secret recipe brownies that he actually likes. This year, I wrote "Happy Birthday, Joseph" on the board in his first period, which just so happens to be Señor de Soto. He made the class sing to him in Spanish and made Joseph wear this hat that people in Chile wear. It looks like a sombrero and a cowboy hat had a love child. Señor de Soto made him wear it all period. Joseph was really not happy this year, but not as bad as sophomore year. I made it up to him by getting him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant in town, a Tex-Mex place called Jackson's, I think. And then I tortured him by tickling him. He hates it when I do that but he always says "Stop it!" with a cute little smile. He also tried to poke me and get me to jump (which is how I tickle him) but he didn't succeed. I'm not ticklish. And he knows it.
I always tell Ally about my dat. Heck, she reads this blog. She thinks I'm getting closer with Joseph. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel better.
That's it for now. I shall write a review of Bentley's show later when I get back home. (I have a very bad feeling about this...)
Hugz
HM
Well, I have mixed feelings about today. Freddy didn't come to lunch today and make me feel unwanted. We played BS; Emma won, and then Bennie and I tied. No homework. Gamer's Club was fun, but both Freddy and Joss were there so I didn't want to stay long... I mean, I brought her to Gamer's Club, knowing he would be there, and then I want to cry about it. What is WRONG with me?
Also today I continued the Joseph Birthday Tradition: embarrass him all morning and then give him something sweet for lunch. Freshman year, I had the class sing to him in every class we had together and then I gave him one of those personalized gigantic cookies they sell at Albertson's. Sophomore year, I had the entire cafeteria sing to him (oh, how he hated me) and then gave him my secret recipe brownies that he actually likes. This year, I wrote "Happy Birthday, Joseph" on the board in his first period, which just so happens to be Señor de Soto. He made the class sing to him in Spanish and made Joseph wear this hat that people in Chile wear. It looks like a sombrero and a cowboy hat had a love child. Señor de Soto made him wear it all period. Joseph was really not happy this year, but not as bad as sophomore year. I made it up to him by getting him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant in town, a Tex-Mex place called Jackson's, I think. And then I tortured him by tickling him. He hates it when I do that but he always says "Stop it!" with a cute little smile. He also tried to poke me and get me to jump (which is how I tickle him) but he didn't succeed. I'm not ticklish. And he knows it.
I always tell Ally about my dat. Heck, she reads this blog. She thinks I'm getting closer with Joseph. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel better.
That's it for now. I shall write a review of Bentley's show later when I get back home. (I have a very bad feeling about this...)
Hugz
HM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
War Is Hell, Love Even More So.
Greetings.
Aunt Pearl. TOM. Friend from down south. Glasses. War. "It" is called many things. And "It" came for me today. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Basically, today sucked. I was supposed to meet Stan for tutoring and he never showed. I went into the library and found out why: There was a Link Crew meeting. So I went back to the dreaded lunch table. Normally, I love my table. I love my friends dearly. I like Lucky, Emma, and Pete sometimes too, Emma more than the boys. But... Freddy has been there. With Joss. And, while I am ecstatic that Joss is happy after whining for the last few weeks about how she wants a boyfriend (though she said someone who was OLDER than her, she distinctly said older; she'll be 19 in October [she's Korean so she got held back until she learned English] and he's turning 17, I think, in August, I think) WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM???????????? Did she NOT SEE what happened to me?????????????????? Ugh, calm down, Harmony Margaret. Deep breaths. (inhales, exhales) He isn't yours. (inhale, exhale) They are free to make their own choices/mistakes. (sigh) But it still feels like someone is punching me when I see them and my nose starts to burn painfully, a clear personal sign that means I am about to cry.
So I went back to the lunch table. The two of them were there, acting, to use a word I should be called a hypocrite for, stupid and coupley. Joseph, Joss, Lucky, Bennie, Emma, Freddy, and Pete were playing BS, having fun, laughing, cheating... without me. My nose burned and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run, out of the cafeteria, out of the school, out to my car, and drive. Just drive. I had to run, drive, and think. And cry. That's important too, crying. I feel so stupid acting like this. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. And I feel... second best to Bennie and Joss's boyfriends.
I almost did bolt. I swear I did. But then Joseph saw me and said, "Hey, HM, you wanna play?" I felt better because I remembered that I was Joseph's number one girl, though not in the sense I would like. I'm his best female friend. And then Bennie and Joss were all "Come on, HM!" so I played some BS with them. (Joseph won twice.)
On the way to class (Joseph and I walked together like we always did because our classes are in the same direction from the cafeteria), Joseph asked, "Do you have anything planned for tomorrow at lunch?"
I said, "No. Why?"
He said, "I dunno." I smiled.
"Joey, do you miss me?" (I only call him Joey when I am feeling extra affectionate toward him. I prefer Joseph because it fits his persona better than Joey.)
"Yeah. That, and I was wondering if you were bringing a giant cookie again." He was referring to his birthday (which is on Sunday) and how every year I bring treats. Last year, I even threw him a surprise party. You know those MasterCard commercials where they tell you the price of things? Well, Joseph's face: Priceless. Anyways, freshman year, I had brought I gigantic chocolate chip cookie. This was back when Freddy was in our Fantastic Four and we didn't know Joss yet so it was Bennie, Joseph, Freddy, and I.
I laughed and said, "I hadn't even thought of that until your just said it."
So I got him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant and I think they only have this restaurant where I live, I don't know... But yeah, I got him a piece of cake.
Other than that... I hated today. I just want to sit back and cry. But I can't; I hate when I cry and Bev can hear me. I hate having her pry into my life. That's what Claire is for.
Hugz
HM
Aunt Pearl. TOM. Friend from down south. Glasses. War. "It" is called many things. And "It" came for me today. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Basically, today sucked. I was supposed to meet Stan for tutoring and he never showed. I went into the library and found out why: There was a Link Crew meeting. So I went back to the dreaded lunch table. Normally, I love my table. I love my friends dearly. I like Lucky, Emma, and Pete sometimes too, Emma more than the boys. But... Freddy has been there. With Joss. And, while I am ecstatic that Joss is happy after whining for the last few weeks about how she wants a boyfriend (though she said someone who was OLDER than her, she distinctly said older; she'll be 19 in October [she's Korean so she got held back until she learned English] and he's turning 17, I think, in August, I think) WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM???????????? Did she NOT SEE what happened to me?????????????????? Ugh, calm down, Harmony Margaret. Deep breaths. (inhales, exhales) He isn't yours. (inhale, exhale) They are free to make their own choices/mistakes. (sigh) But it still feels like someone is punching me when I see them and my nose starts to burn painfully, a clear personal sign that means I am about to cry.
So I went back to the lunch table. The two of them were there, acting, to use a word I should be called a hypocrite for, stupid and coupley. Joseph, Joss, Lucky, Bennie, Emma, Freddy, and Pete were playing BS, having fun, laughing, cheating... without me. My nose burned and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run, out of the cafeteria, out of the school, out to my car, and drive. Just drive. I had to run, drive, and think. And cry. That's important too, crying. I feel so stupid acting like this. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. And I feel... second best to Bennie and Joss's boyfriends.
I almost did bolt. I swear I did. But then Joseph saw me and said, "Hey, HM, you wanna play?" I felt better because I remembered that I was Joseph's number one girl, though not in the sense I would like. I'm his best female friend. And then Bennie and Joss were all "Come on, HM!" so I played some BS with them. (Joseph won twice.)
On the way to class (Joseph and I walked together like we always did because our classes are in the same direction from the cafeteria), Joseph asked, "Do you have anything planned for tomorrow at lunch?"
I said, "No. Why?"
He said, "I dunno." I smiled.
"Joey, do you miss me?" (I only call him Joey when I am feeling extra affectionate toward him. I prefer Joseph because it fits his persona better than Joey.)
"Yeah. That, and I was wondering if you were bringing a giant cookie again." He was referring to his birthday (which is on Sunday) and how every year I bring treats. Last year, I even threw him a surprise party. You know those MasterCard commercials where they tell you the price of things? Well, Joseph's face: Priceless. Anyways, freshman year, I had brought I gigantic chocolate chip cookie. This was back when Freddy was in our Fantastic Four and we didn't know Joss yet so it was Bennie, Joseph, Freddy, and I.
I laughed and said, "I hadn't even thought of that until your just said it."
So I got him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant and I think they only have this restaurant where I live, I don't know... But yeah, I got him a piece of cake.
Other than that... I hated today. I just want to sit back and cry. But I can't; I hate when I cry and Bev can hear me. I hate having her pry into my life. That's what Claire is for.
Hugz
HM
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Paradox of Love and AP Testing
Greetings.
As I described in "My Love Life Part Two: Freddy Ackerby", Freddy broke my heart into a thousand miniscule pieces and sent me into a spiral of depression, causing me to seek solace in food products and gain 40 pounds.
And now he's dating my sister Joss. (I'm not worried about the fat part; she's got the best metabolism in the world, matched only by her new boyfriend.)
Let me explain. I had my AP English Language and Composition test today. (Every school in the nation who offers that class did.) I got to school that morning with the remnants of a terrible nightmare (my physics teacher, Mr. Reuben, revealed, during our final exam, that he was a cannibal by taking a member of the class into the room next door and splitting them with the Bennie's physics teacher, Mr. Graves. I finished my exam and then bolted out of the classroom, making sure to grab Bennie on the way. Then we ran by Joss and Joseph's classroom, bolted to my car, and drove FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.) and what was left of the review my English class had gone over the previous day. And then, when I got to the table that Bennie, Joss, Stan, Claire, her friends, Chase Fuller, Ernie Rodham, Louisa Tyler, and Kira Pulliam, and I share in the mornings to find that Joss and Bennie were discussing me. Weird. But not as weird as them revealing that Joss, indeed, was dating Freddy. The irony: I was just laughing at the impossibility of that happening (like seriously rolling on the floor laughing, so not kidding) yesterday with our friends in choir.
That kept me nice and distracted during the AP exam. Not a good thing to be distracted during. But the test was SO easy that I finished it easily and I think I may get at least a 4. So, no big. (10/1/10: I got a 5, by the way)
At lunch, though, I kept feeling as if I wanted to cry. I had to sit NEXT TO THEM. They had linked arms. They were being... well... the same way he and I were sophomore year. I couldn't take it. As soon as I finished lunch, I beat a hasty retreat to my Spanish teacher, Señor de Soto's, room, given that that was my next class. Even though I was ten minutes early. (AP test, a morning thing, had let out halfway through lunch.)
I know Freddy isn't mine. He hasn't been mine for over a year now. But... He was the first guy I truly cared about. More than Aaron. He was the first guy to truly appreciate me. Call me beautiful. Treat me special. Ignore the fact that I was physically imperfect and try to get to know the real me. The first to truly break my heart. And it still hurts. There's a bruise on my heart. I thought it had gone away... But the memory of how he treated me is still there. And now he's got Joss. What if he does the same thing to her? I threatened him, in a way.
I looked up at him (he's six-six, I'm five-five) and said, "If you break her heart the same way you broke mine, your stepmother will look like Mother Teresa because I will be on you like a John Deere riding mower on grass. You are no longer my priority. Joss is. And if you hurt her in ANY way, make her cry at ANY time, I swear, there will be Hell to pay."
I guess I did threaten him. Oh well. He deserved it.
On the bright side, I had an interview at Jamba Juice and it went pretty well. I may get the job. More details to follow.
Hugz
HM
As I described in "My Love Life Part Two: Freddy Ackerby", Freddy broke my heart into a thousand miniscule pieces and sent me into a spiral of depression, causing me to seek solace in food products and gain 40 pounds.
And now he's dating my sister Joss. (I'm not worried about the fat part; she's got the best metabolism in the world, matched only by her new boyfriend.)
Let me explain. I had my AP English Language and Composition test today. (Every school in the nation who offers that class did.) I got to school that morning with the remnants of a terrible nightmare (my physics teacher, Mr. Reuben, revealed, during our final exam, that he was a cannibal by taking a member of the class into the room next door and splitting them with the Bennie's physics teacher, Mr. Graves. I finished my exam and then bolted out of the classroom, making sure to grab Bennie on the way. Then we ran by Joss and Joseph's classroom, bolted to my car, and drove FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.) and what was left of the review my English class had gone over the previous day. And then, when I got to the table that Bennie, Joss, Stan, Claire, her friends, Chase Fuller, Ernie Rodham, Louisa Tyler, and Kira Pulliam, and I share in the mornings to find that Joss and Bennie were discussing me. Weird. But not as weird as them revealing that Joss, indeed, was dating Freddy. The irony: I was just laughing at the impossibility of that happening (like seriously rolling on the floor laughing, so not kidding) yesterday with our friends in choir.
That kept me nice and distracted during the AP exam. Not a good thing to be distracted during. But the test was SO easy that I finished it easily and I think I may get at least a 4. So, no big. (10/1/10: I got a 5, by the way)
At lunch, though, I kept feeling as if I wanted to cry. I had to sit NEXT TO THEM. They had linked arms. They were being... well... the same way he and I were sophomore year. I couldn't take it. As soon as I finished lunch, I beat a hasty retreat to my Spanish teacher, Señor de Soto's, room, given that that was my next class. Even though I was ten minutes early. (AP test, a morning thing, had let out halfway through lunch.)
I know Freddy isn't mine. He hasn't been mine for over a year now. But... He was the first guy I truly cared about. More than Aaron. He was the first guy to truly appreciate me. Call me beautiful. Treat me special. Ignore the fact that I was physically imperfect and try to get to know the real me. The first to truly break my heart. And it still hurts. There's a bruise on my heart. I thought it had gone away... But the memory of how he treated me is still there. And now he's got Joss. What if he does the same thing to her? I threatened him, in a way.
I looked up at him (he's six-six, I'm five-five) and said, "If you break her heart the same way you broke mine, your stepmother will look like Mother Teresa because I will be on you like a John Deere riding mower on grass. You are no longer my priority. Joss is. And if you hurt her in ANY way, make her cry at ANY time, I swear, there will be Hell to pay."
I guess I did threaten him. Oh well. He deserved it.
On the bright side, I had an interview at Jamba Juice and it went pretty well. I may get the job. More details to follow.
Hugz
HM
Monday, May 10, 2010
Choir: The Last Cry-fest
Greetings.
Are seniors in choir always such big crybabies? I mean, if they're that good of friends, then they'll see each other after high school. Why is it such a big deal? I mean, I have four sisters. One I have known almost since birth. I KNOW I'll at least keep in touch with Ally, hopefully see her more often. Claire, I have known since I was five when we moved into our new house. That's not a problem. And I am not worried about Joseph. I asked him, "Do you think we'll still be friends after high school?"
He said, after thinking for about two seconds, "Yeah, I think so." So I'm not worried there.
And honestly, I am not worried about maintaining my friendship with Bennie, sister of four years, and Joss, two. All three of us want to go to the community college near our house and Bennie and I have even discussed being roomies in a apartment when we get out of community college and go to real college (which is also near our houses). So, I have no clue why these seniors are crying. Mary June was blubbering like a freaking baby and clutching her two best friends, Marina Brown and Malissa Green. It was weird. Aaron and I even made up, that's how sentimental everyone was.
However, there was one casualty. I had to say good-bye to my friend, whose chubby physique makes me want to hug him like a teddy bear, which I often do, Zach Lorrin. He's kind of like the anti-Harmony Margaret. I'm innocent and cute. He's... not. (But he's huggable, so that helps.) But he decided to take pity on innocent me and include me in his conversations with his best friend, Ty Aggart, half of which I don't understand. (Zach says that's good; I haven't been totally corrupted yet.)
Sigh... I am going to miss Zach, Aaron, Remy, and Ty. Aaron and Remy I have known for years. And Zach and Ty were fun.
Hmm. Now that I think about it I am not too keen on the end of the year... Oh well, I still have Bennie, Ally, Joss, Joseph, and Claire. And that's enough.
Hugz
HM
Are seniors in choir always such big crybabies? I mean, if they're that good of friends, then they'll see each other after high school. Why is it such a big deal? I mean, I have four sisters. One I have known almost since birth. I KNOW I'll at least keep in touch with Ally, hopefully see her more often. Claire, I have known since I was five when we moved into our new house. That's not a problem. And I am not worried about Joseph. I asked him, "Do you think we'll still be friends after high school?"
He said, after thinking for about two seconds, "Yeah, I think so." So I'm not worried there.
And honestly, I am not worried about maintaining my friendship with Bennie, sister of four years, and Joss, two. All three of us want to go to the community college near our house and Bennie and I have even discussed being roomies in a apartment when we get out of community college and go to real college (which is also near our houses). So, I have no clue why these seniors are crying. Mary June was blubbering like a freaking baby and clutching her two best friends, Marina Brown and Malissa Green. It was weird. Aaron and I even made up, that's how sentimental everyone was.
However, there was one casualty. I had to say good-bye to my friend, whose chubby physique makes me want to hug him like a teddy bear, which I often do, Zach Lorrin. He's kind of like the anti-Harmony Margaret. I'm innocent and cute. He's... not. (But he's huggable, so that helps.) But he decided to take pity on innocent me and include me in his conversations with his best friend, Ty Aggart, half of which I don't understand. (Zach says that's good; I haven't been totally corrupted yet.)
Sigh... I am going to miss Zach, Aaron, Remy, and Ty. Aaron and Remy I have known for years. And Zach and Ty were fun.
Hmm. Now that I think about it I am not too keen on the end of the year... Oh well, I still have Bennie, Ally, Joss, Joseph, and Claire. And that's enough.
Hugz
HM
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Luncheon
Greetings.
There is an annual fundraiser luncheon for autism where I live and, for the past ten or eleven years, I have decorated a table according to the theme of said luncheon and hosted eight guests. Bev and Nana come every year, Bev because she co-hosts and Nana because she and Gramps always build the elaborate centerpiece. And this year Claire, Joss, Bennie, and Nana's next door neighbor, a friend of mine who's in eighth grade named Miranda Holden, came. One of Bev's coworkers was supposed to come, but she couldn't make it.
Anyhow, at the luncheon there's always a raffle. And every year, through some strange coincidence, I always win something. I'm very lucky. And apparently my luck is contagious. This year at the luncheon I won a hand mixer and a universal remote (it's so BIG!!! WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!). Claire won a laundry basket full of junk food (oh, the cavities!), Miranda won a Christmas basket (?????), and Nana won a new toaster. Yeah, we got a haul. Poor Bennie and Joss. They've come to the luncheon for a couple of years now and they haven't won anything yet. Oh, well. There's always next year...
After the luncheon, Joss, Bennie, Claire, and I returned to my house. We practiced our song for the choir's Solo Fest ("Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. She's an AMAZING singer.) and we added Claire to the song. Only Joss, Bennie, and I are in choir. We may be adding Claire because the other girl who was supposed to do it with us, a really AWFUL and RUDE girl who keeps calling me the b-word named Lizzie Gomez, has decided to switch to singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Right after she convinced Bennie, Joss, and I to sing "Breakaway". She's a bit of an idiot. And now, with her switching sides, we needed a fourth singer. Hence, Claire joining our group.
Well Claire went home and Bennie and Joss stayed over. Yay! We worked more on the song and then the next morning (today, Sunday) Bennie and Joss went to church with Claire. As I have posted before, I am not a church person. (shudder) I am a relaxed Christian, if you will. And so I slept in until about noon. I watched TV most of the day... and then I went to dinner with Bentley, Bev, Dad, Nana, and Gramps. So today was boring. Yay.
Hugz
HM
There is an annual fundraiser luncheon for autism where I live and, for the past ten or eleven years, I have decorated a table according to the theme of said luncheon and hosted eight guests. Bev and Nana come every year, Bev because she co-hosts and Nana because she and Gramps always build the elaborate centerpiece. And this year Claire, Joss, Bennie, and Nana's next door neighbor, a friend of mine who's in eighth grade named Miranda Holden, came. One of Bev's coworkers was supposed to come, but she couldn't make it.
Anyhow, at the luncheon there's always a raffle. And every year, through some strange coincidence, I always win something. I'm very lucky. And apparently my luck is contagious. This year at the luncheon I won a hand mixer and a universal remote (it's so BIG!!! WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!). Claire won a laundry basket full of junk food (oh, the cavities!), Miranda won a Christmas basket (?????), and Nana won a new toaster. Yeah, we got a haul. Poor Bennie and Joss. They've come to the luncheon for a couple of years now and they haven't won anything yet. Oh, well. There's always next year...
After the luncheon, Joss, Bennie, Claire, and I returned to my house. We practiced our song for the choir's Solo Fest ("Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. She's an AMAZING singer.) and we added Claire to the song. Only Joss, Bennie, and I are in choir. We may be adding Claire because the other girl who was supposed to do it with us, a really AWFUL and RUDE girl who keeps calling me the b-word named Lizzie Gomez, has decided to switch to singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Right after she convinced Bennie, Joss, and I to sing "Breakaway". She's a bit of an idiot. And now, with her switching sides, we needed a fourth singer. Hence, Claire joining our group.
Well Claire went home and Bennie and Joss stayed over. Yay! We worked more on the song and then the next morning (today, Sunday) Bennie and Joss went to church with Claire. As I have posted before, I am not a church person. (shudder) I am a relaxed Christian, if you will. And so I slept in until about noon. I watched TV most of the day... and then I went to dinner with Bentley, Bev, Dad, Nana, and Gramps. So today was boring. Yay.
Hugz
HM
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