Greetings.
Oh, this can't be happening. This just CANNOT be happening. Joseph KNOWS. I mean, he knows I like him. I don't know if he knows to what degree my feelings for him are, but he knows I like him.
You remember Kenny Harris, Claire's ex-boyfriend? Well, it seems he has decided to take it upon himself to make my life Hell. During ALICE IN WONDERLAND, (he was a techie, and Joseph was Kind of Hearts, like I mentioned earlier) Kenny and Joseph had a chat. Apparently, during that little chat, either Kenny to Joseph or Joseph divulged that he knew. Either way, Kenny told me he knew. And, to make things worse, he (Joseph) is scared for our relationship. What do I do? I don't know what that means! Does he not want it to change? Is he afraid of what will happen if it does change? I NEED A MIND-READING HELMET!
I really want to strangle Kenny right now. For the past year (YEAR) I have been trying to dig up the courage to perform this great feat of love at graduation. Here was my plan: I'd take him aside, ask him to guarantee that he'd still be my friend even if I did something horrible and/or stupid, and (even though I'd only do it if he promised) then I'd have him close his eye (optional) and I'd kiss him.
THAT'S ALL BYE-BYE. At least, for now. All of my courage is GONE, what little there was of it. If any of you know me, you know I am not easily frightened. I have my phobias i.e. blood, death, the future, spiders larger than my forefinger, amphibians, reptiles. But those are so rare, except for maybe the blood and the future (ha ha), that I am not scared easily.
But this time... This terrifies me. He is my best friend. My confidant. God only knows, maybe my soul-mate. I love him dearly but I want his friendship too. If he gets too scared, he'll leave and I don't know if I can take that. When Freddy dumped me, I gained 40 pounds. Joseph means so much more to me than Freddy ever did. I don't know what will happen to me. Or to him. I think that, somehow, he needs me too. Almost as much as I need him. I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. More scared than I have been for YEARS.
Are you there, God? It's me, Harmony Margaret. The one you cursed with the longest name EVER. Please, help me. Find some way to help me. I need it. I would appreciate you changing Joseph's heart in favor of me, but anything to help is preferable than silence.
I must go cry myself to sleep now.
Hugz
HM
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
War Is Hell, Love Even More So.
Greetings.
Aunt Pearl. TOM. Friend from down south. Glasses. War. "It" is called many things. And "It" came for me today. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Basically, today sucked. I was supposed to meet Stan for tutoring and he never showed. I went into the library and found out why: There was a Link Crew meeting. So I went back to the dreaded lunch table. Normally, I love my table. I love my friends dearly. I like Lucky, Emma, and Pete sometimes too, Emma more than the boys. But... Freddy has been there. With Joss. And, while I am ecstatic that Joss is happy after whining for the last few weeks about how she wants a boyfriend (though she said someone who was OLDER than her, she distinctly said older; she'll be 19 in October [she's Korean so she got held back until she learned English] and he's turning 17, I think, in August, I think) WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM???????????? Did she NOT SEE what happened to me?????????????????? Ugh, calm down, Harmony Margaret. Deep breaths. (inhales, exhales) He isn't yours. (inhale, exhale) They are free to make their own choices/mistakes. (sigh) But it still feels like someone is punching me when I see them and my nose starts to burn painfully, a clear personal sign that means I am about to cry.
So I went back to the lunch table. The two of them were there, acting, to use a word I should be called a hypocrite for, stupid and coupley. Joseph, Joss, Lucky, Bennie, Emma, Freddy, and Pete were playing BS, having fun, laughing, cheating... without me. My nose burned and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run, out of the cafeteria, out of the school, out to my car, and drive. Just drive. I had to run, drive, and think. And cry. That's important too, crying. I feel so stupid acting like this. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. And I feel... second best to Bennie and Joss's boyfriends.
I almost did bolt. I swear I did. But then Joseph saw me and said, "Hey, HM, you wanna play?" I felt better because I remembered that I was Joseph's number one girl, though not in the sense I would like. I'm his best female friend. And then Bennie and Joss were all "Come on, HM!" so I played some BS with them. (Joseph won twice.)
On the way to class (Joseph and I walked together like we always did because our classes are in the same direction from the cafeteria), Joseph asked, "Do you have anything planned for tomorrow at lunch?"
I said, "No. Why?"
He said, "I dunno." I smiled.
"Joey, do you miss me?" (I only call him Joey when I am feeling extra affectionate toward him. I prefer Joseph because it fits his persona better than Joey.)
"Yeah. That, and I was wondering if you were bringing a giant cookie again." He was referring to his birthday (which is on Sunday) and how every year I bring treats. Last year, I even threw him a surprise party. You know those MasterCard commercials where they tell you the price of things? Well, Joseph's face: Priceless. Anyways, freshman year, I had brought I gigantic chocolate chip cookie. This was back when Freddy was in our Fantastic Four and we didn't know Joss yet so it was Bennie, Joseph, Freddy, and I.
I laughed and said, "I hadn't even thought of that until your just said it."
So I got him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant and I think they only have this restaurant where I live, I don't know... But yeah, I got him a piece of cake.
Other than that... I hated today. I just want to sit back and cry. But I can't; I hate when I cry and Bev can hear me. I hate having her pry into my life. That's what Claire is for.
Hugz
HM
Aunt Pearl. TOM. Friend from down south. Glasses. War. "It" is called many things. And "It" came for me today. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Basically, today sucked. I was supposed to meet Stan for tutoring and he never showed. I went into the library and found out why: There was a Link Crew meeting. So I went back to the dreaded lunch table. Normally, I love my table. I love my friends dearly. I like Lucky, Emma, and Pete sometimes too, Emma more than the boys. But... Freddy has been there. With Joss. And, while I am ecstatic that Joss is happy after whining for the last few weeks about how she wants a boyfriend (though she said someone who was OLDER than her, she distinctly said older; she'll be 19 in October [she's Korean so she got held back until she learned English] and he's turning 17, I think, in August, I think) WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM???????????? Did she NOT SEE what happened to me?????????????????? Ugh, calm down, Harmony Margaret. Deep breaths. (inhales, exhales) He isn't yours. (inhale, exhale) They are free to make their own choices/mistakes. (sigh) But it still feels like someone is punching me when I see them and my nose starts to burn painfully, a clear personal sign that means I am about to cry.
So I went back to the lunch table. The two of them were there, acting, to use a word I should be called a hypocrite for, stupid and coupley. Joseph, Joss, Lucky, Bennie, Emma, Freddy, and Pete were playing BS, having fun, laughing, cheating... without me. My nose burned and I just wanted to run away. I wanted to run, out of the cafeteria, out of the school, out to my car, and drive. Just drive. I had to run, drive, and think. And cry. That's important too, crying. I feel so stupid acting like this. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. And I feel... second best to Bennie and Joss's boyfriends.
I almost did bolt. I swear I did. But then Joseph saw me and said, "Hey, HM, you wanna play?" I felt better because I remembered that I was Joseph's number one girl, though not in the sense I would like. I'm his best female friend. And then Bennie and Joss were all "Come on, HM!" so I played some BS with them. (Joseph won twice.)
On the way to class (Joseph and I walked together like we always did because our classes are in the same direction from the cafeteria), Joseph asked, "Do you have anything planned for tomorrow at lunch?"
I said, "No. Why?"
He said, "I dunno." I smiled.
"Joey, do you miss me?" (I only call him Joey when I am feeling extra affectionate toward him. I prefer Joseph because it fits his persona better than Joey.)
"Yeah. That, and I was wondering if you were bringing a giant cookie again." He was referring to his birthday (which is on Sunday) and how every year I bring treats. Last year, I even threw him a surprise party. You know those MasterCard commercials where they tell you the price of things? Well, Joseph's face: Priceless. Anyways, freshman year, I had brought I gigantic chocolate chip cookie. This was back when Freddy was in our Fantastic Four and we didn't know Joss yet so it was Bennie, Joseph, Freddy, and I.
I laughed and said, "I hadn't even thought of that until your just said it."
So I got him a piece of his favorite cake from his favorite restaurant and I think they only have this restaurant where I live, I don't know... But yeah, I got him a piece of cake.
Other than that... I hated today. I just want to sit back and cry. But I can't; I hate when I cry and Bev can hear me. I hate having her pry into my life. That's what Claire is for.
Hugz
HM
Monday, April 12, 2010
I HATE MEN
Greetings.
Another complain-y blog post. I HATE MEN. MALES. SUCK. SO. MUCH. Okay, as I probably posted (I can't remember), last Friday I kissed Joseph on the cheek again at his grandmother's funeral reception. And he wiped. It. Off. It really hurt my feelings that I pretty much cried on the way home. I cried to Claire about it later that day, I have been whining to Ally about it all weekend, and finally today I confronted him. The conversation went amazingly similar to the following:
"You remember what happened on Friday? As I was leaving?" I asked him outside of third period Physics. (He and I have the same teacher, different periods.)
"Yeah," he said. I was really pissed off. I had had the WORST weekend ever and the fact that he hurt my feelings was still foremost on my mind at the moment.
"I won't do it again," I said honestly and quietly. I wanted it to show that I was hurt. He didn't get it. He nodded.
"For the record, that was awkward," he said. I snapped. I was mad and hurt and upset and sad enough to begin with but that was the final straw.
"Oh, shut up," I snapped. I turned to stalk off. He called after me.
"Well, it was!"
"Shut up!" I snapped again. And I don't even feel sorry for it.
I am such a poisonous person. I can't love a sane human guy. I can't love an INsane human guy like a sane human being. He's a mannequin. I don't know why I care for him so much... He's great and everything, but he like HAS no hormones. At least, when it comes to love, romance, and all emotions connected to it. But I can't help it. He's kind, caring, quiet, thoughtful, sincere, and interesting. He's wonderful even if he's stubborn, occasionally obnoxious, absorbed in fantasy, and emotionally unavailable.
I must be sick. Someone have Ducky from NCIS give me a psychological analysis.... Preferably while I'm alive.
Oh, and someone prevent me from beating my laptop to a pulp.
Hugz
HM
Another complain-y blog post. I HATE MEN. MALES. SUCK. SO. MUCH. Okay, as I probably posted (I can't remember), last Friday I kissed Joseph on the cheek again at his grandmother's funeral reception. And he wiped. It. Off. It really hurt my feelings that I pretty much cried on the way home. I cried to Claire about it later that day, I have been whining to Ally about it all weekend, and finally today I confronted him. The conversation went amazingly similar to the following:
"You remember what happened on Friday? As I was leaving?" I asked him outside of third period Physics. (He and I have the same teacher, different periods.)
"Yeah," he said. I was really pissed off. I had had the WORST weekend ever and the fact that he hurt my feelings was still foremost on my mind at the moment.
"I won't do it again," I said honestly and quietly. I wanted it to show that I was hurt. He didn't get it. He nodded.
"For the record, that was awkward," he said. I snapped. I was mad and hurt and upset and sad enough to begin with but that was the final straw.
"Oh, shut up," I snapped. I turned to stalk off. He called after me.
"Well, it was!"
"Shut up!" I snapped again. And I don't even feel sorry for it.
I am such a poisonous person. I can't love a sane human guy. I can't love an INsane human guy like a sane human being. He's a mannequin. I don't know why I care for him so much... He's great and everything, but he like HAS no hormones. At least, when it comes to love, romance, and all emotions connected to it. But I can't help it. He's kind, caring, quiet, thoughtful, sincere, and interesting. He's wonderful even if he's stubborn, occasionally obnoxious, absorbed in fantasy, and emotionally unavailable.
I must be sick. Someone have Ducky from NCIS give me a psychological analysis.... Preferably while I'm alive.
Oh, and someone prevent me from beating my laptop to a pulp.
Hugz
HM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)